20 years of fights

I keep thinking that my mom and I have sorted our issues out. But I keep being proven wrong. You wouldn't believe my mom, it's not an ordinary "mother-daughter-fighting" thing, but she is so extremely inconsiderate and she doesn't respect her children. I'm 25 years old and she keeps saying that I will never grow up. But that's not surprising because she has always imposed guilt on me, and both me and my sisters can see that she's doing the same with our 5 year old sister.

This time it started when I told my family (mom, her husband, my sister Ellie that's 18 and my little sisters Izzie, 5 and Hannah, 2) how I met my ex-boyfriend Nathan the other day. We haven't spoken since we broke up 8 years ago and we have a lot of unsettled things that according to what I've heard from common friends he feels just as bad as I do because we havent sorted them out. Anyway, so it's kindof a sensitive subject. Then my mom, being the clumpsy person she is, had to exclaim: "Oh my god you were NOT nice to him!" I just looked at her and said "Mom, just don't... please stop talking about it I don't want you to talk to me that way, I can't believe that you still do that !!"
Mom- What?
Zoey- You never take my side but always defend the one im in a row with. Please just zip it.
Mom- (and she's already snapping) why can't you be an adult, you weren't nice to him and you know it !!
Zoey- Yes I do, but he wasn't nice to me either !! I don't want to talk to you about this
Mom- You were so mean to him, you called him repeatidly and i told you not to and you wouldn't listen !!
Zoey- Ok, so the fact that he cheated on me doesn't count. Great. Just be quiet mom, I don't want to talk to you about this

It's one thing that my mom brought it up, but when i tell her that i don't want to talk about it she won't respect that. This argument just started, she told me that i was such a baby, that this was several years ago, that i wasn't humble, that i would never grow up, that i had no distance to myself, that i had huge issues and that i needed to wake up and see that ME !!! I !!! was the problem !! I know I've got issues !! My god, im in therapy for eating disorders !! When my mom started accusing me for being this and that i just turned away and got tears in my eyes. My sister Ellie saw that, because when my mom wouldnt shut up and i walked away Ellie told my mom to be quiet and respect my wish to not talk about it.

Ellie- Mom, that's enough...
Mom - (Now snapping and screaming) Oh my god you shut your mouth you always snap at me (and she kept screaming even more things just to not let my sister speak)
Ellie- (also upset) She's sad !! Can't you see that !! You're so inconciderate !!
Mom - Shut your mouth !! You always do that i can't believe you !!
Ellie - Mom, behave !!
Mom - You behave !!
Ellie - Be-Have !!
Mom - Shut up, you behave !!
Ellie - Be-Have

And so they kept screaming, my mom to Ellie about how mean she was and Ellie to my mom about how inconsiderate she was. Once I had dried my tears I was extremely upset with my mom, so i walked back upstairs and said that thing about respecting us, which she doesn't. And she said that she was so much more adult and knew alot more than we did

Me and Ellie- About what ??
Mom- Everything !!

She is extremely ignorant and kindof a red neck. My mom is a good boss. She's good at her job and she's good with her employees. I told her though that she lacks of social competence

Mom (still screaming)- I've got way more social competence than you do !!

She was furious and out of it !! She kept screaming "You be quiet! And you be quiet !! I'm leaving now !! Yes I am !! I'm leaving" (walked 2-3 steps, looked at us) "Be quiet !! Never open your mouth again !!"

You get the point, don't you. I bet some of you are thinking that I'm exaggerating. I really wish i was. My mom has always made me feel ashamed. When I was 14-15 (I had eating disorders back then too) I remember this one time that I got up at 4 to have my breakfast so that i could get rid of it by running 5k before school. My mom heard me, and i heard how she got out of bed and i was terrified when i heard my mom's agressive steps towards the floor as she was approaching the kitchen, i knew she was gonna be cruel, she always was and she still is. "YOU STUPID KID, YOU'VE GOT EATING DISORDERS !!!!" I don't know if it's good or bad to say that to your kid but i remember how ashamed i felt when she said that. Also she informed me that "My problems with you started when you were 6". I've always thought that her problems with me DID start when I was 6, but only last year i realized that you can't put the blame on a 6 year old. Surely it's not all entirely my mom's fault but it's so mean to blame a kid for a messed up relation.

None of my sisters (Alyssa that's 23 and my sister Ellie that I told you about) want to tell my mom anything, because she will not be of any help- only the other way around. She's gonna make it worse because she is so clumpsy, so inconsiderate, no sense of what's right and wrong to accuse her children of, no sense of respecting her children. When I was in London I got myself into a lot of trouble and I had to call my dad to sort it out. He was disapointend in me, but he told my sister not to tell my mom because "it will only make things worse". So it's not only us adult kids (if we may call ourselves that, my mom says we're so immature, atleast I am), but also her ex-husband sees how she treats us.

We kept discussing with my mom, or atleast we tried to, she wouldn't let us get the chance to speak, but just kept screaming to us (especially me) about how we always judged her, how she has to be able to tell us that we were not nice, and i don't know what else crap she said. My sister then said something that's so true: She's treating Izzie the same way she treated me, and that my 5 year old sister was developing a real poor self-esteem. My mom then changed tactics (as she does with Ellie, because my sister is really persuasive and good at finding valid arguments). She shut up, looked at my sister and went (calmly)

Mom- Well, I know you're a doctor. You know everything.
Ellie- You're doing it again mom... you don't respect me, I received an A in high school psycology, and i know that's pretty basic psycology, but that's what I've read, when you raise your children it's better if you...
Mom- (smirging) I know you know, and You know you know. You're the greatest.

So now she's not only disrespecting us, but she also denies my sister her knowledge. I know I'm having a hard time with handling conflicts, but my mom cannot stand critisism. That's why she never develops. She's not stupid, the other way around, she's intelligent, but it seems as if she's not intelligent when it comes to understanding other people. The 5 year old has now started to see that mom isn't nice and she doesn't go to her as much anymore, because mom will probably yell at her to stay away or to be quiet.

And what also gets to me is that my mom tells me that im this and that. My mom doesn't know a shit about me. I moved away from home when i was 17 and since then my mom stopped walking along my side. She has been visiting me two times since then, she never calls, she's just not interested to know what's going on with me. So when she says i don't have any self-distance and that i'll never grow up she doesn't have a clue what she's saying. I'm my own toughest critisizer and i've worked sooooo hard on myself. She doesn't know I'm seeing Sarah (my volunteer therapist for bulimia) She doesn't know i got pregnant and lost my baby to a miscarriage, she doesn't know a shit about anything because i don't want to talk to her, because she'll blame me and say it's all my fault. Oh !! I almost forgot. My mom's the one that invented the expression "Don't feel sorry for yourself". That makes sense, you shouldn't. But my mom is such a special case, she denies you EVERY right to grief. I don't want to get into it, because i wouldn't know where to start !! Don't feel sorry for yourself, get up on your feet: sure. But there has got to be a balance, you need to have the right to your feelings and she denies us all that right. But that's basically why none of us talk to her about anything. Either she's the last one to find out something that concerns her daughters or she never finds out whenas the rest of us do. It's been 20 years of damage, how do you repair that ??

Why do I let the minor negative take over the major positive?

Wonderful beautiful summer with barbecues, friends and laughter. This weekend should have been a blast for me, and it was! Until John commented on my "large muscles". I thought i had a nice back, so it feels even more degrading now, i feel so rediculed. I turned around and asked my friends if i had gotten any tan. I took a chance today and wore my pink tube top, and brought a cardigan just in case i'd feel uncomfortable. But things went smoothly, i did feel a little self concious about my arms, but my friends know about my issues and my eating disorders, but as it turns out Jenna's boyfriend John didn't so he had to say "you'r latissimus dorsi is quite big!" Well he didn't say "Latissimus Dorsi", i don't think he even knows its name, but the back muscles, or "wing muscles" as i call them that boys like to have big. Im sure he didn't mean to be cruel, but I could see on Jenna's face how she immediately reacted and went "he just says that because he's so happy about his own muscles, don't mind him". She's so sweet, i could tell she did it to protect me. But that brought back some terrible memories from the past and I remember how one guy i used to date one day when we went climbing got appaled by my back, said "Wooooow, dont ever start any serious rock climbing, your back will get huge! That's ugly. After that he started avoiding me, and when i finally confronted him about it he confessed that he wasn't attracted by me, because i was too heavy. So even if i had a great time at the party I cried myself to sleep this weekend. I can't wait to have surgery on my arms. That won't take my back muscles away, but atleast it's a start.

About the bulimia, I keep seeing Sarah. I haven't stopped puking, but there are moments of glory when I've went one or even two days without binge eating. So i see a positive change, even if it's only a minor change and even if i still need to know how i can be comfortable with myself.

Failing

This is going baaad. I'm supposed to write down everything i eat and what i do and show it to Sarah on thursday. I did so good tuesday-friday, but then on the friday i lost it again. And I've lost it ever since. I felt ok on the saturday, like i knew rehab wouldn't be easy, so i didn't feel like a failiure just because i failed. I didn't feel i failed i just felt like well, that willl happen, now i gotta get a grip of myself and get going again. But i just fell down into the same drain again, and started feeling swollen and fat and ugly in the face because it swoll up...

It did work from tuesday-friday. I think that's because i had a fixed schedule then. I attend class, i eat breakfast, the lunch box that i bring... nothing more and nothing less and i feel fine. I little bit more challanging when i get back home in the afternoon, but since i made my way so well during the day i just wanna be able to pass the whole day with this good rythm without failing.

But this weeks record doesn't look good to me and i don't want to show it to Sarah. I wonder what she's gonna say. Im gonna be good now. From tomorrow and on til tuesday. That'll make it less of a failiure

Another day. Then another. Then another...

I met Sarah for the first time two days ago. Sarah's my contact person for bulimia. We talked alot about my experience and her experience, she made me see things from a different angle, although i already know I'm sick and i really wanna recover. She says it's not gonna happen over a night, which i already knew, but it's nice she shows me she knows it too. And she made me do two things: 1. keep a food diary where i write down everything i eat. That's good, cause i had only one day before meeting up with her started "the G.I project" (GI Diet...) and now it can't fail, as every effort i've made before to keep a balanced diet has, because now i gotta show somebody else what i eat. And the second thing was that i was gonna create a monster. She told me to be creative when i do this, that i should look in magazines, that i should cut out images from ugly creatures, the head of someone or something i loath etc. and make my own monster. This monster im gonna attatch to my wall or fridge or wherever i pass by alot to constantly remind me that that creature is the monster i have in myself that tells me to binge eat, that forces me to throw up afterwards and that orders me not to have any breakfast or lunch so that i can over-eat in the afternoon. I think I'm gonna try to find a picture of a soldier in Afgahnistan as i hate how they murder innocent people. I used to work with an afgahn refugee boy that managed to escape his country as a little boy and then was lucky enough to be sent here, but on his own, as his family didn't make it. He had constant head aches, got sick alot, panic attacks.. you name it. He told me the most terrible stories and since then i really hate soldiers. So the head of my monster is gonna be a soldier, definitely.

But im much better at keeping it balanced now, GI really works !! it tells me exactly what to eat, the amounts, what time of the day and how much i should exercise a day, and by keeping it im able to feel balanced enough to keep myself from hurling !! I thought i could keep myself from throwing up today, but i had 50 grams of chocolate, which i thought i could have without being struck by panic... but lets just say im not there yet.. Actually, right now i can feel the smell of vomit on my dress as i had toilet water splashed up on my clothes. I know, "euuuughhh !!" But when you're used to it and you're sick it doesn't really matter. I'm just gonna change clothes and off i go.

I now believe in myself. Wanna know how?? It does happen...

I just noticed how pesimistic i am. I've always considered myself to be over-optimistic- and i am to a certain extend. I am actually so optimistic i never knew i could be pesimistic. I'm a pesimist when it comes to my self-esteem. Like yesterday i skipped class because i had a dentist appointment. I thought noone would notice i was missing, because i've only been in this course for 1 week, so i bet they wont notice if im there or not. But as it turns out, they did!! The first thing the people in my group said this morning (we did muscle lab this morning and got divided into random groups) was "you weren't here yesterday, were you?" Ok, so they did notice. And the professor is someone i used to know when i was little, but i haven't seen him for 13 years. He's the national hockey team's physiotherapist and he's been giving treatment to some real important ice hockey stars since the 90's. I knew him because i used to alpine ski when i was little, competing. His daughter did too, we're the same age. So i saw them every weekend during the season and i knew them back then. But i thought no way should he be able to recognize me now, it's been too long and i quit too early for him to even recognize my face now. But as it turns out he approached our group during the muscle lab and went "you used to alpine ski, didn't you?" He freakin recognized me !!!!!

So the bottom line is: Why the hell do i waste negative energy on myself by thinking i don't show, that people don't like me and that nobody recognizes me, when clearly they do. It's all in your mind and you create your own destiny by thinking. Because what you think about yourself will affect the way you speak. Your speech will become your actions and your actions might ultimately turn into your fate. That's how i got bulimic. By the help of society as well, with its high standard ideal, that sometimes has nothing to do with what you achieve and who you are, but what you look like. It's never your choice to become bulimic, you didn't go "ok, let's get bulimic". It's psycological, and it develops into eating disorders, after a long process. But BELIEVE IN YOURSELF !! That's not the first step to recovery, the first step is to realize youre sick. Next step is to get help and the step after that is to take action, which im doing right now, and i've gotten that far now that im starting to actually believe in myself and that im valuable. Especially after the great confirmation i've got from others by just recognizing me when i thought they wouldn't. Sometimes society can be the reason to your illness, but it can also become a support for your recovery: which it has for me today.

Hope

First day of GI method and i feel great !! I haven't puked today, not once !! It's been hard to keep myself from binging but so far ive made it. The food i had today, that egg mash with avocado was totally different from what i ever had before but i feel excited im eating something that's supposed to make me thinner. I can feel it's gonna work, with a little help from myself and my will-power. Hope it works.

The GI method

Today I'm gonna start the GI diet !! I found something in a magazine about the method and with some recepies that's easy to follow, it tells you exactly what to eat, when to eat and how much to eat, and also exercise 1 hour a day. That I can do, Before I did 4 hours intense cardio 5 days a week, so that's achievable. Hope it's gonna make me feel good and not wanna throw up... i hope i finally find a balance between eating, exercising and myself.

This is what I'll eat today:
Egg and tuna with avocado

2 eggs
1 can of tuna
2 spoons of light mayonaise
1 avocado

Boil the eggs so that they get a loose consistency
Stir the eggs with the tuna and mayo, salt and pepper
Split the avocado and place the hash on top

Ready to enjoy !!

Tomorrow I'm having this:

200 g of minced beef
1/2 union
1 garlic clove
5 olives
50 g of feta cheese
1 tea spoon of french mustard
2 dried tomatoes (but as I don't like dried tomatoes I'm gonna have regular tomatoes)
olive oil
1 egg
Keso and sallad

Chop the union and the garlic and fry it in a sauce pan quickly
Mix the union in the minced beef and add the feta cheese, chopped olives, tomatoes and the egg and stir it into a paste
Fry it in olive oil or butter on both sides
Add salt and pepper
Serve with veggies and Keso

I just don't seem to be able to make it !!

I thought I was doing so well today. It's sunday and sundays are my absolute worse day when it comes to keeping myself from binging and barfing. But now that I'm aware of it i tried today to be good and have a light breakfast. I had a small lunch basically containing sallad and I felt fine. Then I kept going to the fridge snacking fruit. Had a large slice of water melon, 2 pears, an orange and 2 kiwis. You'd think it wouldn't be bad, cause it's containing vitamins, water, fructose and glucose... but, as we all know fruit has that effect on you when you start blowing up like a helium balloon because of all the water and glucose. Had a look at my belly and it was terribly inflated. And this is not all i'm gonna have today, I'm going over to my friend Edward's place to have dinner. I freaked. Not the way I usually freak after over eating, but I thought I had my nutrition intake under control and it turns out i didn't. So off we go, to the bathroom and throw up. And the thing that makes me feel worse is that i feel good !! I mean, it makes me feel bad because i was supposed to keep it under control, and i didn't, so i went, i threw up and now i feel good again. I'm being a hypocrate, to myself, to Sarah and to my family. Nice work Zoey...

Mad destructive circle

I can't believe the clinics close for summer. Ive got news for you: My bulimia isn't going on a vacation!! I just figured out I'm suffering from an eating disorder and now's when I figured out i'm in need of help. I mean come on!!

Have I blogged about how i figured out after all this time that my compensating for over eating wasn't just compensating but actually an eating disorder?? That happened recently when i wasn't getting my period. It's amazing it hasn't happened before, but now it did and now i haven't gotten my period for little over 50 days. And also, i was watching a movie about leukemia, death and family relations (My sister's keeper, you gotta watch it... i strongly recommend it) and it made me realize that i was sick and that as opposed to the little girl with cancer, im chosing to be sick whenas she didn't. And I had to get help for my family's sake.

Anyway, I'm pretty worried now, but not for me but for my sister. Here's the deal, she's seeing her ex eventhough he got married, and he spends a rediculous amount of time over at her house, like 10 hours a day and he sleeps over, sleeps with her, kisses her etc etc !! So he's cheating on his wife with my sister and my sister has been struggling alot with her feelings for him, because when they separated it was because it didn't work because of his religion. Now he married someone, because he has to go to heaven when he dies.. i wonder what his religion says about cheating.. anyway, my concern is for my sister, because she's held back by him !! I understand that she's happy at the moment, when she's with him, but seriously she's not gonna be able to go on and persue the happiness she deserves, because as she says herself: they separated for a reason and they don't work as a couple.. so she has to move on, but as long as he's selfish and stays married with his wife and still lives with my sister she won't be able to move on! It's so frustrating and i get furious everytime i think about it !! Point is, it's my duty to react and do something, like tell her i don't accept this niether from her, but especially not from him. I can't believe he's that selfish. I told her once what I thought, being a little scared she'd kick me out of her house, but she understood where i was coming from. Now i just can't stand to see him here, he's here all the time, and she knows what i think. So last night they left when i came home and showed my disapproval. Now she won't pick up the phone, call me back or answer the sms and she hasn't come home since yesterday. So I think she's pissed off at me. It's ok, she has the right to her emotions, but she has to realize how worried I am about her and I can't just stand by watching as she's getting more and more involved in this destructive circle.

You may think this has nothing to do with my desease, but actually it has !! It's called destructivism and it's a mad circle that if it gets you into its claws you're powerlessly facing madness

I just wanna be happy

I think the easy answer to the question "why are you bulimic" would be: "I just wanna be happy". At least it is to me. Bulimics believe that a better figure is gonna make them happy, that others gonna like you more (boys, in my case, cause i had some bad experiences with that, and still am actually) and that they're gonna like themselves more if they lose more weight.

That's actually not that far from the truth. That I'm gonna be happier if i get thinner. Because my body wouldn't inhibit me so much if i were thinner. I would wear short sleves and be comfortable with it, I would travel to hot places and constantly smile even if i'm not wearing alot of clothes and I would just be more relaxed and smile more. I would have more positive energy surrounding me if i were thinner so it actually has some truth to it. I'm actually sick of all the people telling me "you just think you're gonna be happy if you get thinner". Yahaa I will !! I realize it's not gonna solve all my problems, i still need to go to therapy and sort my issues out but stop saying it's just a myth that good looking people are happier than over-weight people. Not in every sense, of course but if you look great you're gonna feel great.

Another step towards the right direction, I think.

Today I called this woman that's supposed to be my contact person. Her name is Sarah and she's not an expert on this psycological desease, but she decided to volunteer to help others after her daughter went through therapy for bulimia. I talked to her on the phone and we're meeting up next week to talk. In the mean time she ordered me to do two things. The first thing was to contact the hospital to get group therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy. And the other thing was to write down what I want my life to look like 10 years from now. Then we're gonna analyze it and see how I'm gonna get there.

I'm still hurling though. I just don't know how to quit or change my habits. Cause that's just what it is: It's a habit that I'm comfortable with having, cause then I can allow myself to eat without gaining weight, and when I'm exercising I also burn more calories, i.e. I loose weight.

I don't know how I'm gonna find any alternative way of living and be good with that. This is me. This is how I handle nutrition: I rather not get my vital vitamins than get fat. But I do know that I don't see myself as a bulimic, and i see myself as happy in the future, happily married with a man that respects me, treats me well, don't judge me because of my looks but is still equally as attracted to me as I am to him. We're gonna have beautiful healthy kids, boys or girls it doesn't really matter. If I'm not infertile that is. We're gonna live in a house, own a car, have a cat, we're gonna be active in sports, we're gonna travel to exciting places to experience everything from adventure sports such as rock climbing and paragliding in the Alps to diving in New Zealand. I'm gonna be happy at my working place, which will be as a spanish high school teacher, we're gonna have lots of friends that we're gonna hang out with every now and then, and I'll have lunch with my girl friends once or twice a week... I don't know how I'm gonna get to all this but I know I'm gonna, because that's the way I pictured myself since I was a little girl. I can't see myself in any other picture, that would be weird.

To do this I'm gonna have to get well. I'm gonna have to learn what it's like to have a balanced diet, a healthy relationship to others, when it's ok for others to tell me off and when it's not ok (like, it's not ok to tell me I'm fat, unless I'm obese and need help from a dietician or something), I'm gonna have to learn a lot about myself and process things I forgot and rather never ever speak about them again. It seems like mission impossible right now, but i gotta try. For me, and for the ones that worry about me.

How I got bulimic

Hi, my name is Zoey, or atleast I wish it was. Point is, I wanna be anonymous so I'm not revealing my real name. Not because I'm afraid of what others might think of me, but to protect my sisters and my dad from society's gossip.

I'm 24 years old. And that's actually true. Last week I admitted to myself and to my sisters that I'm bulimic and now I'm starting the journey towards getting healthy. I am still under the impression that it takes a bulimic to understand a bulimic, or anyone with eating disorders to understand what another person with an unhealthy relationship to food is dealing with, but I wanna believe that there are nice and healthy people out there that wanna help out, and with this belief in other's will to understand and to help I'm going to get help.

Everybody's stories are different, but somehow it always comes down to the same root to identify the problem: Your negative self-image. My story is long...

I'm a 5'3 ft 132 lbs person that's been athletic all my life and I basically carry muscles and saturated fat. I see myself as a girl with a pretty face, dimples, light brown shoulder long hair, big dark green eyes and skin that tans easily, but trapped in a masculine body. I wanna be feminine so that the guys I'm attracted to will be attracted to me too, so that I can build the bright future I see myself in, with a husband, beautiful healthy happy kids, a house, a car, a cat, a job that I like going to and dedicating to something we're all passionate about, like sports. And going on summer vacation with common friends!

I was liked in high school. I hung out with the cool crowd, nobody could ever find it in their hearts to hate me. I was good friends with everybody; the girls never saw me as any threat and I was just one of the guys. But I wanted to be feminine. I wanted to be the hot chick my guy friends would drool over just by confidantly walking by moving her hips sensually in her tight jeans. I started sleeping around with any guy that wanted to sleep with me, as if i was a slut. But in reality I just wanted to be loved. It often happened when we were all hammered and as fun as it was at the time, the day after you just felt like it wasn't worth it. Even if I didn't really like the guy I just wanted to be confirmed as a woman. But I never was, cause they would all feel bad the day after because they slept with me. ME! I was one of them...

When I was 20 I went to London. Stayed at a youth hostel and met alot of cool people from all over the world. I met this really cool dude from CA. His name was Jonathan and he was a 19 year old surfer. He was totally hot, real fit, about 6'2, 180 punds, nicely tanned laid back kindof dude, although constantly wasted. Anyway, to make a long story short, I slept with him, and he said he thought I was so sexy as we were doing it. He made me feel feminine, someone that wasn't just "one of the guys" and "everybody's friend but nobody's girlfriend". I was so happy and I know now I fell for him, eventhough I never wanted to admit it after we woke up the day after, cause then he just bailed on me.

I talked to him on MSN after I got back home, and this is when he tells me what I knew about myself but never had anybody say it to me straight out: I'm not attracted to you, you're too heavy. The shame that I felt as I read those words is not comparable with any type of shame I've ever felt in my whole life. I didn't know what to type, so eventhough I wanted to speak with him and make him like me, I just logged off. I couldn't bare myself to say anything to him because I felt so powerless and so ashamed. I had failed. As a woman, as a person, as being attractive... I had failed. I locked myself into the bathroom and weighed myself, which I hadn't done for a long time. 140 pounds. I was chocked and I understood exactly what he meant. I wasn't angry with him, I was angry with myself, because I had lost all control over myself. Too much keg, too much fast food and eventhough I exercise it doesn't compensate the intake of calories. I wanted to drop 30 pounds. Like RIGHT NOW! I knew I wasn't capable of throwing up, I had tried it before but my fingers were too short. I remember looking down at the wash basin, where i keep my tooth brush... thinking what if... yea.. that might help. So I grabbed my tooth brush quickly, opened the toilet lid, and started tickling the back of my throat with it until i got sick. It worked! And I couldn't believe how easy it came. So I did it again, puked some more and then again and again and again, until I could feel my stomach was empty enough. I weighed myself again: 138 pounds. That's still alot, but I dropped 2 pounds just by doing that! Tomorrow I'll get to the gym, make sure to burn atleast 1000 calories and that way I'll drop another 2 lbs !! Before I know it I'll make it to 110 quickly.

That's how it all started for real. I've always had a disturbed relation to food, one day I starve myself and the next day I over eat. But since I got bulimic I allowed myself to lose control over what I ate, cause I was getting rid of it anyway. Either by puking or by consuming X-lax. I never made it to 110, I've always stopped at 120, and returned to be over 130 again. I never got back to 140 luckily, it's over-weight, but I kindof feel like i should drop another 10 pounds to be happy with myself.

Bulimia is a psycological desease that has its roots in your self-image, how you picture yourself. For some it's about taking control, for some it's about anxiety, for some it's because they "know" they'll be loved if they get skinny, for some it's about turning into something else, and something better, for some it's about punishing themselves... for me it's been about all those things. Now I know that getting skinny is not gonna make me happy unless I sort my issues out. We all just wanna be happy, that's the meaning of life. Why are we here? What are we fighting for? We're all gonna pass away sooner or later (touch wood) so what's the point if we don't make the best out of life, find a balance, be happy with who we are and surround ourself with the people that we love? I'm not there yet, but I'm gonna get help soon. Not only for myself, but for the people that are surrounding me and actually love me.

So let's call this day 1. I got sick today too, but this is the first entry and the first step to getting well. By keeping this diary and sharing my recovery with everybody. I'm totally scared, I don't know how I'm gonna make it, I need to puke, it's a routine I've got! It's my way of keeping my calorie intake under control! It's been my ways for the last 5 years, so how am I gonna stop? I'll let you know as time passes by.