Today I called this woman that's supposed to be my contact person. Her name is Sarah and she's not an expert on this psycological desease, but she decided to volunteer to help others after her daughter went through therapy for bulimia. I talked to her on the phone and we're meeting up next week to talk. In the mean time she ordered me to do two things. The first thing was to contact the hospital to get group therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy. And the other thing was to write down what I want my life to look like 10 years from now. Then we're gonna analyze it and see how I'm gonna get there.
I'm still hurling though. I just don't know how to quit or change my habits. Cause that's just what it is: It's a habit that I'm comfortable with having, cause then I can allow myself to eat without gaining weight, and when I'm exercising I also burn more calories, i.e. I loose weight.
I don't know how I'm gonna find any alternative way of living and be good with that. This is me. This is how I handle nutrition: I rather not get my vital vitamins than get fat. But I do know that I don't see myself as a bulimic, and i see myself as happy in the future, happily married with a man that respects me, treats me well, don't judge me because of my looks but is still equally as attracted to me as I am to him. We're gonna have beautiful healthy kids, boys or girls it doesn't really matter. If I'm not infertile that is. We're gonna live in a house, own a car, have a cat, we're gonna be active in sports, we're gonna travel to exciting places to experience everything from adventure sports such as rock climbing and paragliding in the Alps to diving in New Zealand. I'm gonna be happy at my working place, which will be as a spanish high school teacher, we're gonna have lots of friends that we're gonna hang out with every now and then, and I'll have lunch with my girl friends once or twice a week... I don't know how I'm gonna get to all this but I know I'm gonna, because that's the way I pictured myself since I was a little girl. I can't see myself in any other picture, that would be weird.
To do this I'm gonna have to get well. I'm gonna have to learn what it's like to have a balanced diet, a healthy relationship to others, when it's ok for others to tell me off and when it's not ok (like, it's not ok to tell me I'm fat, unless I'm obese and need help from a dietician or something), I'm gonna have to learn a lot about myself and process things I forgot and rather never ever speak about them again. It seems like mission impossible right now, but i gotta try. For me, and for the ones that worry about me.
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