Wonderful beautiful summer with barbecues, friends and laughter. This weekend should have been a blast for me, and it was! Until John commented on my "large muscles". I thought i had a nice back, so it feels even more degrading now, i feel so rediculed. I turned around and asked my friends if i had gotten any tan. I took a chance today and wore my pink tube top, and brought a cardigan just in case i'd feel uncomfortable. But things went smoothly, i did feel a little self concious about my arms, but my friends know about my issues and my eating disorders, but as it turns out Jenna's boyfriend John didn't so he had to say "you'r latissimus dorsi is quite big!" Well he didn't say "Latissimus Dorsi", i don't think he even knows its name, but the back muscles, or "wing muscles" as i call them that boys like to have big. Im sure he didn't mean to be cruel, but I could see on Jenna's face how she immediately reacted and went "he just says that because he's so happy about his own muscles, don't mind him". She's so sweet, i could tell she did it to protect me. But that brought back some terrible memories from the past and I remember how one guy i used to date one day when we went climbing got appaled by my back, said "Wooooow, dont ever start any serious rock climbing, your back will get huge! That's ugly. After that he started avoiding me, and when i finally confronted him about it he confessed that he wasn't attracted by me, because i was too heavy. So even if i had a great time at the party I cried myself to sleep this weekend. I can't wait to have surgery on my arms. That won't take my back muscles away, but atleast it's a start.
About the bulimia, I keep seeing Sarah. I haven't stopped puking, but there are moments of glory when I've went one or even two days without binge eating. So i see a positive change, even if it's only a minor change and even if i still need to know how i can be comfortable with myself.
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