20 years of fights

I keep thinking that my mom and I have sorted our issues out. But I keep being proven wrong. You wouldn't believe my mom, it's not an ordinary "mother-daughter-fighting" thing, but she is so extremely inconsiderate and she doesn't respect her children. I'm 25 years old and she keeps saying that I will never grow up. But that's not surprising because she has always imposed guilt on me, and both me and my sisters can see that she's doing the same with our 5 year old sister.

This time it started when I told my family (mom, her husband, my sister Ellie that's 18 and my little sisters Izzie, 5 and Hannah, 2) how I met my ex-boyfriend Nathan the other day. We haven't spoken since we broke up 8 years ago and we have a lot of unsettled things that according to what I've heard from common friends he feels just as bad as I do because we havent sorted them out. Anyway, so it's kindof a sensitive subject. Then my mom, being the clumpsy person she is, had to exclaim: "Oh my god you were NOT nice to him!" I just looked at her and said "Mom, just don't... please stop talking about it I don't want you to talk to me that way, I can't believe that you still do that !!"
Mom- What?
Zoey- You never take my side but always defend the one im in a row with. Please just zip it.
Mom- (and she's already snapping) why can't you be an adult, you weren't nice to him and you know it !!
Zoey- Yes I do, but he wasn't nice to me either !! I don't want to talk to you about this
Mom- You were so mean to him, you called him repeatidly and i told you not to and you wouldn't listen !!
Zoey- Ok, so the fact that he cheated on me doesn't count. Great. Just be quiet mom, I don't want to talk to you about this

It's one thing that my mom brought it up, but when i tell her that i don't want to talk about it she won't respect that. This argument just started, she told me that i was such a baby, that this was several years ago, that i wasn't humble, that i would never grow up, that i had no distance to myself, that i had huge issues and that i needed to wake up and see that ME !!! I !!! was the problem !! I know I've got issues !! My god, im in therapy for eating disorders !! When my mom started accusing me for being this and that i just turned away and got tears in my eyes. My sister Ellie saw that, because when my mom wouldnt shut up and i walked away Ellie told my mom to be quiet and respect my wish to not talk about it.

Ellie- Mom, that's enough...
Mom - (Now snapping and screaming) Oh my god you shut your mouth you always snap at me (and she kept screaming even more things just to not let my sister speak)
Ellie- (also upset) She's sad !! Can't you see that !! You're so inconciderate !!
Mom - Shut your mouth !! You always do that i can't believe you !!
Ellie - Mom, behave !!
Mom - You behave !!
Ellie - Be-Have !!
Mom - Shut up, you behave !!
Ellie - Be-Have

And so they kept screaming, my mom to Ellie about how mean she was and Ellie to my mom about how inconsiderate she was. Once I had dried my tears I was extremely upset with my mom, so i walked back upstairs and said that thing about respecting us, which she doesn't. And she said that she was so much more adult and knew alot more than we did

Me and Ellie- About what ??
Mom- Everything !!

She is extremely ignorant and kindof a red neck. My mom is a good boss. She's good at her job and she's good with her employees. I told her though that she lacks of social competence

Mom (still screaming)- I've got way more social competence than you do !!

She was furious and out of it !! She kept screaming "You be quiet! And you be quiet !! I'm leaving now !! Yes I am !! I'm leaving" (walked 2-3 steps, looked at us) "Be quiet !! Never open your mouth again !!"

You get the point, don't you. I bet some of you are thinking that I'm exaggerating. I really wish i was. My mom has always made me feel ashamed. When I was 14-15 (I had eating disorders back then too) I remember this one time that I got up at 4 to have my breakfast so that i could get rid of it by running 5k before school. My mom heard me, and i heard how she got out of bed and i was terrified when i heard my mom's agressive steps towards the floor as she was approaching the kitchen, i knew she was gonna be cruel, she always was and she still is. "YOU STUPID KID, YOU'VE GOT EATING DISORDERS !!!!" I don't know if it's good or bad to say that to your kid but i remember how ashamed i felt when she said that. Also she informed me that "My problems with you started when you were 6". I've always thought that her problems with me DID start when I was 6, but only last year i realized that you can't put the blame on a 6 year old. Surely it's not all entirely my mom's fault but it's so mean to blame a kid for a messed up relation.

None of my sisters (Alyssa that's 23 and my sister Ellie that I told you about) want to tell my mom anything, because she will not be of any help- only the other way around. She's gonna make it worse because she is so clumpsy, so inconsiderate, no sense of what's right and wrong to accuse her children of, no sense of respecting her children. When I was in London I got myself into a lot of trouble and I had to call my dad to sort it out. He was disapointend in me, but he told my sister not to tell my mom because "it will only make things worse". So it's not only us adult kids (if we may call ourselves that, my mom says we're so immature, atleast I am), but also her ex-husband sees how she treats us.

We kept discussing with my mom, or atleast we tried to, she wouldn't let us get the chance to speak, but just kept screaming to us (especially me) about how we always judged her, how she has to be able to tell us that we were not nice, and i don't know what else crap she said. My sister then said something that's so true: She's treating Izzie the same way she treated me, and that my 5 year old sister was developing a real poor self-esteem. My mom then changed tactics (as she does with Ellie, because my sister is really persuasive and good at finding valid arguments). She shut up, looked at my sister and went (calmly)

Mom- Well, I know you're a doctor. You know everything.
Ellie- You're doing it again mom... you don't respect me, I received an A in high school psycology, and i know that's pretty basic psycology, but that's what I've read, when you raise your children it's better if you...
Mom- (smirging) I know you know, and You know you know. You're the greatest.

So now she's not only disrespecting us, but she also denies my sister her knowledge. I know I'm having a hard time with handling conflicts, but my mom cannot stand critisism. That's why she never develops. She's not stupid, the other way around, she's intelligent, but it seems as if she's not intelligent when it comes to understanding other people. The 5 year old has now started to see that mom isn't nice and she doesn't go to her as much anymore, because mom will probably yell at her to stay away or to be quiet.

And what also gets to me is that my mom tells me that im this and that. My mom doesn't know a shit about me. I moved away from home when i was 17 and since then my mom stopped walking along my side. She has been visiting me two times since then, she never calls, she's just not interested to know what's going on with me. So when she says i don't have any self-distance and that i'll never grow up she doesn't have a clue what she's saying. I'm my own toughest critisizer and i've worked sooooo hard on myself. She doesn't know I'm seeing Sarah (my volunteer therapist for bulimia) She doesn't know i got pregnant and lost my baby to a miscarriage, she doesn't know a shit about anything because i don't want to talk to her, because she'll blame me and say it's all my fault. Oh !! I almost forgot. My mom's the one that invented the expression "Don't feel sorry for yourself". That makes sense, you shouldn't. But my mom is such a special case, she denies you EVERY right to grief. I don't want to get into it, because i wouldn't know where to start !! Don't feel sorry for yourself, get up on your feet: sure. But there has got to be a balance, you need to have the right to your feelings and she denies us all that right. But that's basically why none of us talk to her about anything. Either she's the last one to find out something that concerns her daughters or she never finds out whenas the rest of us do. It's been 20 years of damage, how do you repair that ??