Another day. Then another. Then another...

I met Sarah for the first time two days ago. Sarah's my contact person for bulimia. We talked alot about my experience and her experience, she made me see things from a different angle, although i already know I'm sick and i really wanna recover. She says it's not gonna happen over a night, which i already knew, but it's nice she shows me she knows it too. And she made me do two things: 1. keep a food diary where i write down everything i eat. That's good, cause i had only one day before meeting up with her started "the G.I project" (GI Diet...) and now it can't fail, as every effort i've made before to keep a balanced diet has, because now i gotta show somebody else what i eat. And the second thing was that i was gonna create a monster. She told me to be creative when i do this, that i should look in magazines, that i should cut out images from ugly creatures, the head of someone or something i loath etc. and make my own monster. This monster im gonna attatch to my wall or fridge or wherever i pass by alot to constantly remind me that that creature is the monster i have in myself that tells me to binge eat, that forces me to throw up afterwards and that orders me not to have any breakfast or lunch so that i can over-eat in the afternoon. I think I'm gonna try to find a picture of a soldier in Afgahnistan as i hate how they murder innocent people. I used to work with an afgahn refugee boy that managed to escape his country as a little boy and then was lucky enough to be sent here, but on his own, as his family didn't make it. He had constant head aches, got sick alot, panic attacks.. you name it. He told me the most terrible stories and since then i really hate soldiers. So the head of my monster is gonna be a soldier, definitely.

But im much better at keeping it balanced now, GI really works !! it tells me exactly what to eat, the amounts, what time of the day and how much i should exercise a day, and by keeping it im able to feel balanced enough to keep myself from hurling !! I thought i could keep myself from throwing up today, but i had 50 grams of chocolate, which i thought i could have without being struck by panic... but lets just say im not there yet.. Actually, right now i can feel the smell of vomit on my dress as i had toilet water splashed up on my clothes. I know, "euuuughhh !!" But when you're used to it and you're sick it doesn't really matter. I'm just gonna change clothes and off i go.