The more I go on the less worthy i feel of living. I'm in a fight with my sisters now. Or it's not a fight, it's uglier. They've always been tight and i've always felt left out. I don't feel like going in to that any further because it breaks my heart. But it's like a bad circle, because now i've decided i should not fight it anymore, but just accept the fact that they would probably grief harder if any of them died than if i died. And I'm trying to accept it, but if "pushing them away" means accepting it, I feel like accepting it is cruel. They don't know how to act around me, and I don't know how to act around them, so we all just avoid eachother- them avoiding me together as a unit and me avoiding them alone. And my poor dad, he wants to help me so badly but I can see it in him, he doesn't know how to do it either. And neither do I. This has led to me feeling like a scumbag. Like I'm not worthy of life if I'm gonna make everybody I know feel uncomfortable around me, even the once I love the most. Apparently I love myself more, because if i loved them more than me I would have just accepted that they love hanging out, but they don't love hanging out with me. As much as i would want to be a natural part of them, I'm not. And they know how I feel, but they don't know how to act around me, because I'm sick and unpredictable.
What now worries me is that I feel worse and worse, the difference between now and a year ago is remarkable. I went for a run today, and afterwards took a stroll down town, and my steps felt so heavy, like i had a burden to carry. I feel so bad about this whole situation- that I'VE created. Not only for me but also for them. I can't believe it. I used to wish from time to time that I was never born at all, but now i can't get it out of my system- life had been easier if I was never born.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
This is me handling crises...
Alyssa, my 23 year old sister, came home two days ago to celebrate my little sister Izzie's 5:th birthday. It all went smothly until Ellie and Alyssa started shutting me out- again. They don't do it on purpose but they've always been much closer than I have to any of them. I'm good with hanging out with one of them at the time, but when we're all together I feel like the fifth wheel. It all started when we were gonna plan for Izzie's birthday party. Alyssa weren't there because Izzie wanted her to read har a story. So she didn't show up until about 11 pm. And we waited for her. Not that we couldn't plan without her, but Ellie wanted to wait for her. Which is understandable, i didn't really react on that- it's more fun if we're all together.
So she showed up. My mom was there and we started talking about the future, because i had just recently turned 25 and i feel kindof stressed out because i wanna start having a family on my own, but i don't have a boyfriend. So it all turned into a talk about my self-esteem and my physique, which is doomed to get emotional and it did. So I started crying talking about my body so i went to the bathroom. Then when i had dried my tears and came back to the kitchen my sisters were planning Izzies birthday party- WITHOUT ME! We all have to wait for Alyssa to show but starting without me is ok! And I blame Ellie for that. Do I not count?
But this is the way it's always been, they've always been much closer and i blame myself for that, because i haven't exactly been around. I was an angry kid, and when I was 19 i moved away to Costa Rica and stayed there for three years. Of course they've banded! And seemingly I'm not let in. Alyssa and I both live in Charlotte where we study at university. One day my sister says Ellie was in Charlotte with her for a weekend. She normally stays with Alyssa, but atleast they let me know if she's coming. But this time she didn't, but i got to know the week AFTER! That hurt. And dad's girlfriend Erica says she understand me. I'm so frustrated with my mom, because she says it's all in my head, but it's not! It's there, it's real, and Erica says she absolutely hears how they talk about what THEY do on the weekends, what THEY used to act like in certain situations, how THEY are, what happened to THEM this one time, how THEY once at Alyssa's place had to light a cigarett just to go outside and listen to these kids talking crap etc etc etc. It's always THEM together that do things and have experience, and i'm not a part of that.
So now i've decided to not fight it anymore, but to accept it. I haven't yet, but i'm trying. It's so hard and i really don't handle crises well because i feel even worse about myself. I'm always to blame somehow. Maybe not entirely, but in the end my poor relation to my sisters is my fault because i was such a little bitch when i was a kid and then i moved away- of course they rather hang out together than letting me be a natural part of their lives.
Bulimica then.. i've been sooo bulimic during these last couple of days. Don't know how many times i've puked, took x-lax twice in two days, went for a run yesterday and set a new personal record, did my 4.3 miles in 30 minutes! I was so upset while i was running i actually cried and i pushed myself pretty hard. But it just felt so good letting the endorphines out, it made it all endurable.
So she showed up. My mom was there and we started talking about the future, because i had just recently turned 25 and i feel kindof stressed out because i wanna start having a family on my own, but i don't have a boyfriend. So it all turned into a talk about my self-esteem and my physique, which is doomed to get emotional and it did. So I started crying talking about my body so i went to the bathroom. Then when i had dried my tears and came back to the kitchen my sisters were planning Izzies birthday party- WITHOUT ME! We all have to wait for Alyssa to show but starting without me is ok! And I blame Ellie for that. Do I not count?
But this is the way it's always been, they've always been much closer and i blame myself for that, because i haven't exactly been around. I was an angry kid, and when I was 19 i moved away to Costa Rica and stayed there for three years. Of course they've banded! And seemingly I'm not let in. Alyssa and I both live in Charlotte where we study at university. One day my sister says Ellie was in Charlotte with her for a weekend. She normally stays with Alyssa, but atleast they let me know if she's coming. But this time she didn't, but i got to know the week AFTER! That hurt. And dad's girlfriend Erica says she understand me. I'm so frustrated with my mom, because she says it's all in my head, but it's not! It's there, it's real, and Erica says she absolutely hears how they talk about what THEY do on the weekends, what THEY used to act like in certain situations, how THEY are, what happened to THEM this one time, how THEY once at Alyssa's place had to light a cigarett just to go outside and listen to these kids talking crap etc etc etc. It's always THEM together that do things and have experience, and i'm not a part of that.
So now i've decided to not fight it anymore, but to accept it. I haven't yet, but i'm trying. It's so hard and i really don't handle crises well because i feel even worse about myself. I'm always to blame somehow. Maybe not entirely, but in the end my poor relation to my sisters is my fault because i was such a little bitch when i was a kid and then i moved away- of course they rather hang out together than letting me be a natural part of their lives.
Bulimica then.. i've been sooo bulimic during these last couple of days. Don't know how many times i've puked, took x-lax twice in two days, went for a run yesterday and set a new personal record, did my 4.3 miles in 30 minutes! I was so upset while i was running i actually cried and i pushed myself pretty hard. But it just felt so good letting the endorphines out, it made it all endurable.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
"Do I have an eating disorder?"
Took a test. To see how i was doing. Not well. But that i knew.
Take the test yourself on
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/interactive/interactivetests/eatingdisorder.php
You have scored 61.
56+
Scores at this level indicate that you have an eating disorder - either anorexia nervosa, bulimia or compulsive eating (otherwise known as Binge Eating Disorder). To learn more about these categories, please click on the links below. It would seem that your life, your emotions and your feelings of self-worth are dominated by your relationship with food and with your anxieties about your body size and shape.
Don’t despair. An eating disorder is not a sign that you have had a traumatic childhood, or that you have serious psychological problems. However, there is probably something missing in your life, perhaps you are simply not coping with the day-to-day challenges that life and relationships are putting in your path. And your eating behaviour and abuse of food is a cry for help - telling you that you are in emotional distress.
Your eating problems are a mirror, a reflection of your struggles for control in other aspects of your life. Underneath, you are not a happy person but the trouble is that your struggles with food are making you feel even worse about yourself. You may feel trapped in a cycle of destructive-eating behaviours and low self-esteem from which is difficult to escape on your own.
An eating disorder not only makes you feel very unhappy, it also pays havoc with your health. If you are anorexic, you will be vulnerable to illness and you may damage your vital organs, including the structure of your heart and disintegration of your bones. This is also true of bulimia, which has the added risk of damage to the entire digestive system. Compulsive eating is dangerous, too, bringing the risk of diabetes and all the illness associated with being overweight.
Please don’t waste time trying to fix your eating disorder on your own. You need help from a professional who can restore your relationship with food and with yourself. This will usually be a counsellor or a psychologist with specialist training in eating disorder skills. They would identify all the issues in your current lifestyle - attitudes and emotions that are driving the eating problem and creating abnormal and uncontrollable hungers.
The first port of call is your GP who may know of a suitable counsellor or eating disorder service in your area. Other useful contact numbers include the Eating Disorder Association in Norwich (01603 621414) and the National Centre For Eating Disorders on 01372 469493
Types of eating disorders
Compulsive eating
You feel you eat enough, but you can't stop eating. However much you eat, you keep on having more. At times, it feels as if you have been taken over by someone else, and you can feel physically bad and very guilty when you stop but you do it again anyway.
You might make promises to stop, but, whatever triggers you, starts it off all over again and you feel out of control. You try to diet and you can't even get started, or you may lose weight, only to put it all on again and even more. You have probably tried lots of diets but you may be fatter than ever.
It seems like an unending cycle of eating, remorse, dieting and overeating again. You feel very ashamed of your eating habits and so you may eat a lot in secret. You can't make sense of what you do. You long to eat normally like everybody else, just take food or leave it. But it's never enough.
Bulimia
You have tried to lose weight earlier in your life but you started overeating and you thought that getting rid of it would be a good idea to stop you from gaining weight. But it has gone out of control and now these secret rituals of bingeing and purging rule your life.
You can eat just one bite too many and that can set things off. You eat large amounts of food, forbidden food: sometimes you don't even taste it, then you get rid of it. It makes you feel very bad, ashamed and ill but you simply cannot stop.
You long to be able to eat normally, or at least stop doing these terrible things to yourself, but you are terrified of gaining weight. And so it goes on and on and, although you long for help, you don't dare let anyone find out.
Take the test yourself on
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/interactive/interactivetests/eatingdisorder.php
You have scored 61.
56+
Scores at this level indicate that you have an eating disorder - either anorexia nervosa, bulimia or compulsive eating (otherwise known as Binge Eating Disorder). To learn more about these categories, please click on the links below. It would seem that your life, your emotions and your feelings of self-worth are dominated by your relationship with food and with your anxieties about your body size and shape.
Don’t despair. An eating disorder is not a sign that you have had a traumatic childhood, or that you have serious psychological problems. However, there is probably something missing in your life, perhaps you are simply not coping with the day-to-day challenges that life and relationships are putting in your path. And your eating behaviour and abuse of food is a cry for help - telling you that you are in emotional distress.
Your eating problems are a mirror, a reflection of your struggles for control in other aspects of your life. Underneath, you are not a happy person but the trouble is that your struggles with food are making you feel even worse about yourself. You may feel trapped in a cycle of destructive-eating behaviours and low self-esteem from which is difficult to escape on your own.
An eating disorder not only makes you feel very unhappy, it also pays havoc with your health. If you are anorexic, you will be vulnerable to illness and you may damage your vital organs, including the structure of your heart and disintegration of your bones. This is also true of bulimia, which has the added risk of damage to the entire digestive system. Compulsive eating is dangerous, too, bringing the risk of diabetes and all the illness associated with being overweight.
Please don’t waste time trying to fix your eating disorder on your own. You need help from a professional who can restore your relationship with food and with yourself. This will usually be a counsellor or a psychologist with specialist training in eating disorder skills. They would identify all the issues in your current lifestyle - attitudes and emotions that are driving the eating problem and creating abnormal and uncontrollable hungers.
The first port of call is your GP who may know of a suitable counsellor or eating disorder service in your area. Other useful contact numbers include the Eating Disorder Association in Norwich (01603 621414) and the National Centre For Eating Disorders on 01372 469493
Types of eating disorders
Compulsive eating
You feel you eat enough, but you can't stop eating. However much you eat, you keep on having more. At times, it feels as if you have been taken over by someone else, and you can feel physically bad and very guilty when you stop but you do it again anyway.
You might make promises to stop, but, whatever triggers you, starts it off all over again and you feel out of control. You try to diet and you can't even get started, or you may lose weight, only to put it all on again and even more. You have probably tried lots of diets but you may be fatter than ever.
It seems like an unending cycle of eating, remorse, dieting and overeating again. You feel very ashamed of your eating habits and so you may eat a lot in secret. You can't make sense of what you do. You long to eat normally like everybody else, just take food or leave it. But it's never enough.
Bulimia
You have tried to lose weight earlier in your life but you started overeating and you thought that getting rid of it would be a good idea to stop you from gaining weight. But it has gone out of control and now these secret rituals of bingeing and purging rule your life.
You can eat just one bite too many and that can set things off. You eat large amounts of food, forbidden food: sometimes you don't even taste it, then you get rid of it. It makes you feel very bad, ashamed and ill but you simply cannot stop.
You long to be able to eat normally, or at least stop doing these terrible things to yourself, but you are terrified of gaining weight. And so it goes on and on and, although you long for help, you don't dare let anyone find out.
Show me the way...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ht2JnIikfM0
Listen to it. I bet alot of girls my age feel the same. So many girls have eating disorders, but not alot of them have figured out they suffer from them. And as i've been through before in my blog: In the end it's all psycological.
These lyrics express my feelings for the nearest future. I need guidance.
Turning the key unlocking the door
Embracing the roller coaster world
Stepping outside with body and soul
Taking whatever future holds
Turning the key unlocking the door
Embracing the roller coaster world
You're taking the stride you're just twenty-five
And you know we've all been hurt before
Listen to it. I bet alot of girls my age feel the same. So many girls have eating disorders, but not alot of them have figured out they suffer from them. And as i've been through before in my blog: In the end it's all psycological.
These lyrics express my feelings for the nearest future. I need guidance.
Turning the key unlocking the door
Embracing the roller coaster world
Stepping outside with body and soul
Taking whatever future holds
Turning the key unlocking the door
Embracing the roller coaster world
You're taking the stride you're just twenty-five
And you know we've all been hurt before
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Keeping it real?
I've done this before too, but i don't know if it's good or bad. Or maybe just better... I haven't porged since wednesday, and that's because instead of swollowing i chew and spit it out. And i can actually do it! I don't feel the need to swollow, i just spit the cookies and chocolate out instead of swollowing. I don't know, im sure the therapist would say it's still as bad, but it kept me from porging...
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Drunken mistakes
Just purged. I haven't eaten barely anything today. Not on purpose, i've been running around like crazy all day trying to make deadlines. And I have! Only that when i did eat, round supper since we i was having a barbecue with my friends, i had alot of the good stuff. Started out slowly and ok, two saucages was enough to start with. And two glasses of wine. But then i had some more wine. Josephine asked me to go and get the cup cakes she made me for my birthday, which i happily did. Then i had some more wine, until it started spinning in my head, and then i had a total of 6 cupcakes! Realized my mistake when i started comparing my horrible body with my beautiful friends' bodies. They are stunning. And look at me! Whatever happened to my belly!! I've always had a flat belly, even if my arms and legs' been under all critique. But now i can barely see my feet, i look pregnant! My sister says it may be because of my eating disorder, but that's bull shit. Why wouldn't i have gotten that belly before then? I've been eating the same things and acted the same way for a long time. Why hasn't the belly come before?? Nevermind, im gonna get to the gym first thing in the morning. Have fun everyone!
Zoey
Zoey
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Slut..
I logged on to facebook and saw a comment from Trent. Then he had some comments on that from 3 different people, i know them all. And that's funny, I've slept with that guy with the comment. And one of the other guys that left the comments is my ex (who left me for being hard to live with when i was a teen) and obviously i've slept with him too. Another comment came from Oliver, whom I've also slept with. And not just once, but twice... and both times were a three-way... and what's funny is that Trent was involved in one of them!! And then the third and last comment came from Daniel- a guy that's been trying to ask me out I've actually avoided him because im not interested.
PROBLEM: I feel like a slut. My ex, who i don't talk to, knows about the first threeway that Oliver, one of my ex's best friends was involved in. He just High Fived him after he learnt about it. Oliver says he didn't like it, and i actually believe him! Oliver is a nice guy. I don't know if my ex knows about the three-way where Trent was involved. It's hard to tell, my ex doesn't give a damn about me, and honestly i don't care about him either. But what bothers me is that they go around and high five each other because they've slept with the same girl. I can't believe it. But im to blame for this, kindof! Because i'm the one that put myself out there for everyone to sleep with, because i'm so desperate to be liked. But all i get is "at first i thought it was your face that made me so into you, but now it's just the way you fuck" and guys high fiving eachother because they all slept with me. I'm a slut, and they are pimps.
Aight so lets have a look at the big picture here. My mom told me that sleeping with someone is the last thing you should do, not the first. Good point. Me, I'm so desperate to find someone I sleep with a guy that i want to sleep with if he wants to sleep with me immediately thinking i'll get him. But as it turns out he's always unhappy about my heavy body (that i conceal pretty well with my clothes apparently, since nobody seems to have anything against it before they see me naked), but he "likes the way i fuck" as i get from alot of boys, so they'll keep sleeping with me until it all gets too complicated, i want something more and they don't so it always turns out bad.
PROBLEM: I feel like a slut. My ex, who i don't talk to, knows about the first threeway that Oliver, one of my ex's best friends was involved in. He just High Fived him after he learnt about it. Oliver says he didn't like it, and i actually believe him! Oliver is a nice guy. I don't know if my ex knows about the three-way where Trent was involved. It's hard to tell, my ex doesn't give a damn about me, and honestly i don't care about him either. But what bothers me is that they go around and high five each other because they've slept with the same girl. I can't believe it. But im to blame for this, kindof! Because i'm the one that put myself out there for everyone to sleep with, because i'm so desperate to be liked. But all i get is "at first i thought it was your face that made me so into you, but now it's just the way you fuck" and guys high fiving eachother because they all slept with me. I'm a slut, and they are pimps.
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