My mom's words

I'm amazed i went all the way to friday before i hurled. It all happened this morning at work when my mom looked at me and asked me if i had been crying. "No.. why?" "Your face is swollen".

My god... the night before i had been eating birthday cake and had two glasses of wine, because it was my dad's 46:th birthday. I came back from work at 6.15 pm and then we had our barbecue dinner together with some friends and family. I had my stake, then i had pineapple pie that my sister had made and after that i had cake and then the two glasses of wine. Normally i work out on thursdays but this time of course i couldn't because i had to celebrate my dad. I had felt good throughout the week so i thought i was fine.. until friday morning when i woke up and felt like a helium balloon. And then my mom confirmed it when she said i was (not to be mean, she thought i had been crying). So i excused myself, went to the bathroom, grabbed my pen and tucked it into my throat. Normally when i put the water on i can be pretty quiet, but this time i caughed like crazy, probably because the pen was too thick. Suzanne heard me and she asked my mom if i was ok because i was puking. Then i heard my mom..
Mom - Zoey!
Damn...
Me - What?!
Mom -What are you doing in there ??
Me - Nothing, i just had to go.
So i flushed the toilet, washed my hands to make it appear like i had gone to pee and walked out. My mom stood there and looked at me
Mom- Why are you throwing up?
Me - I didn't throw up
And just walked passed her.

She ran up to me and said i was so puking, and i totally denied i was. But i couldn't fool her. As i said in a previous entry i told my mom i was bulimic, so she knows i am. She made me go with her to her office and had a talk with me.

That talk was the best talk i have ever had with my mom. She listened to me, she said i was thin and she asked me to see how valuable i was, and for as long as i would be looking for myself i couldn't possibly find somebody else, cause im freaked out about the fact that i'll be 25 in two weeks and that i haven't found anyone that i can settle down and start a family with yet. I attract people at the very beginning, but then once we've slept together, which i do pretty immediately, they loose interest and confirm that they think im too heavy. I'm 128 now, and the last time i slept with someone i was over 130, so maybe i wouldn't be so dumped for my weight now ... but then again, it's my arms.. guys really like to comment them and i hate it.. i can't wait to have surgery !!

My mom said i shouldn't put myself out there too easily because that's why guys loose interest in me so quickly. "Sleeping with them is not the first thing you do, it's the last thing you do". She's right. The longer you wait the more intense it's gonna get. I've never lived after the expression "I don't sleep with anyone on the first date", because i normally do !! That's gotta stop. Maybe then i can get them to see other things in me and get them to like "Zoey" instead of focusing on my body. I don't know, i don't know anything. I'm a mess, i've always been. But my mom's words were wise... i think im gonna listen to her for once.

But i still hate my arms and im still having surgery. I know, that's crazy and a bit over the top, but if you saw them you would understand.