Alyssa, my 23 year old sister, came home two days ago to celebrate my little sister Izzie's 5:th birthday. It all went smothly until Ellie and Alyssa started shutting me out- again. They don't do it on purpose but they've always been much closer than I have to any of them. I'm good with hanging out with one of them at the time, but when we're all together I feel like the fifth wheel. It all started when we were gonna plan for Izzie's birthday party. Alyssa weren't there because Izzie wanted her to read har a story. So she didn't show up until about 11 pm. And we waited for her. Not that we couldn't plan without her, but Ellie wanted to wait for her. Which is understandable, i didn't really react on that- it's more fun if we're all together.
So she showed up. My mom was there and we started talking about the future, because i had just recently turned 25 and i feel kindof stressed out because i wanna start having a family on my own, but i don't have a boyfriend. So it all turned into a talk about my self-esteem and my physique, which is doomed to get emotional and it did. So I started crying talking about my body so i went to the bathroom. Then when i had dried my tears and came back to the kitchen my sisters were planning Izzies birthday party- WITHOUT ME! We all have to wait for Alyssa to show but starting without me is ok! And I blame Ellie for that. Do I not count?
But this is the way it's always been, they've always been much closer and i blame myself for that, because i haven't exactly been around. I was an angry kid, and when I was 19 i moved away to Costa Rica and stayed there for three years. Of course they've banded! And seemingly I'm not let in. Alyssa and I both live in Charlotte where we study at university. One day my sister says Ellie was in Charlotte with her for a weekend. She normally stays with Alyssa, but atleast they let me know if she's coming. But this time she didn't, but i got to know the week AFTER! That hurt. And dad's girlfriend Erica says she understand me. I'm so frustrated with my mom, because she says it's all in my head, but it's not! It's there, it's real, and Erica says she absolutely hears how they talk about what THEY do on the weekends, what THEY used to act like in certain situations, how THEY are, what happened to THEM this one time, how THEY once at Alyssa's place had to light a cigarett just to go outside and listen to these kids talking crap etc etc etc. It's always THEM together that do things and have experience, and i'm not a part of that.
So now i've decided to not fight it anymore, but to accept it. I haven't yet, but i'm trying. It's so hard and i really don't handle crises well because i feel even worse about myself. I'm always to blame somehow. Maybe not entirely, but in the end my poor relation to my sisters is my fault because i was such a little bitch when i was a kid and then i moved away- of course they rather hang out together than letting me be a natural part of their lives.
Bulimica then.. i've been sooo bulimic during these last couple of days. Don't know how many times i've puked, took x-lax twice in two days, went for a run yesterday and set a new personal record, did my 4.3 miles in 30 minutes! I was so upset while i was running i actually cried and i pushed myself pretty hard. But it just felt so good letting the endorphines out, it made it all endurable.
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