The more I go on the less worthy i feel of living. I'm in a fight with my sisters now. Or it's not a fight, it's uglier. They've always been tight and i've always felt left out. I don't feel like going in to that any further because it breaks my heart. But it's like a bad circle, because now i've decided i should not fight it anymore, but just accept the fact that they would probably grief harder if any of them died than if i died. And I'm trying to accept it, but if "pushing them away" means accepting it, I feel like accepting it is cruel. They don't know how to act around me, and I don't know how to act around them, so we all just avoid eachother- them avoiding me together as a unit and me avoiding them alone. And my poor dad, he wants to help me so badly but I can see it in him, he doesn't know how to do it either. And neither do I. This has led to me feeling like a scumbag. Like I'm not worthy of life if I'm gonna make everybody I know feel uncomfortable around me, even the once I love the most. Apparently I love myself more, because if i loved them more than me I would have just accepted that they love hanging out, but they don't love hanging out with me. As much as i would want to be a natural part of them, I'm not. And they know how I feel, but they don't know how to act around me, because I'm sick and unpredictable.
What now worries me is that I feel worse and worse, the difference between now and a year ago is remarkable. I went for a run today, and afterwards took a stroll down town, and my steps felt so heavy, like i had a burden to carry. I feel so bad about this whole situation- that I'VE created. Not only for me but also for them. I can't believe it. I used to wish from time to time that I was never born at all, but now i can't get it out of my system- life had been easier if I was never born.
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