I love my dad, and i love him alot for trying so hard to understand why im bulimic. He's been noticing since i was 14 that i had eating disorders and he just told me he was in contact with the school nurse about it. I don't remember that and i don't remember any procedures were made about it. That's weird, isn't it? When a 14 year old is suspected to be bulimic, why don't they do something about it, atleast talk with me about it? I donno, maybe i forgot they did.
My dad says he understands it's all about control. I think he read that somewhere or heard it from others that bulimics like to have control, but i don't recognize myself in that description. Ok, sure.. it's about controlling the over-eating, but i'd rather say that's compensation. And the roots to my disorders is my self-esteem. I estimate myself poorly, i'm aware of that. But i don't see how thats gonna change. I still claim im just being honest. I see 130 on the scales. The thin girls my height are slimmer. And it's no wonder guys see me as "heavy", because they compare me with other girls. I'm a type 2A muscle fiber person, i.e. i find it easier to build muscles than being pertinacious. However, i've gotten to be pertinacious, cause i only do cardio and i do it alot.. But my natural body shape is: strong and heavy and it seems as if i can't do anything about it. Sadly, it made me self-concious, sad and bulimic. That's why i think surgery is actually gonna help me !! I cant wait til i've earned my salary so i can schedule in an appointment with the plastic surgeon.
My rehab is going up and down. It's hard when i don't have Sarah.. and now im gonna lose her, as im moving away. So I'm gonna try to get help there instead of here.. i hate getting new help. I like Sarah and now im gonna have to change. But that's ok, it was my choice to leave in the first place anyway.
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