The more I go on the less worthy i feel of living. I'm in a fight with my sisters now. Or it's not a fight, it's uglier. They've always been tight and i've always felt left out. I don't feel like going in to that any further because it breaks my heart. But it's like a bad circle, because now i've decided i should not fight it anymore, but just accept the fact that they would probably grief harder if any of them died than if i died. And I'm trying to accept it, but if "pushing them away" means accepting it, I feel like accepting it is cruel. They don't know how to act around me, and I don't know how to act around them, so we all just avoid eachother- them avoiding me together as a unit and me avoiding them alone. And my poor dad, he wants to help me so badly but I can see it in him, he doesn't know how to do it either. And neither do I. This has led to me feeling like a scumbag. Like I'm not worthy of life if I'm gonna make everybody I know feel uncomfortable around me, even the once I love the most. Apparently I love myself more, because if i loved them more than me I would have just accepted that they love hanging out, but they don't love hanging out with me. As much as i would want to be a natural part of them, I'm not. And they know how I feel, but they don't know how to act around me, because I'm sick and unpredictable.
What now worries me is that I feel worse and worse, the difference between now and a year ago is remarkable. I went for a run today, and afterwards took a stroll down town, and my steps felt so heavy, like i had a burden to carry. I feel so bad about this whole situation- that I'VE created. Not only for me but also for them. I can't believe it. I used to wish from time to time that I was never born at all, but now i can't get it out of my system- life had been easier if I was never born.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
This is me handling crises...
Alyssa, my 23 year old sister, came home two days ago to celebrate my little sister Izzie's 5:th birthday. It all went smothly until Ellie and Alyssa started shutting me out- again. They don't do it on purpose but they've always been much closer than I have to any of them. I'm good with hanging out with one of them at the time, but when we're all together I feel like the fifth wheel. It all started when we were gonna plan for Izzie's birthday party. Alyssa weren't there because Izzie wanted her to read har a story. So she didn't show up until about 11 pm. And we waited for her. Not that we couldn't plan without her, but Ellie wanted to wait for her. Which is understandable, i didn't really react on that- it's more fun if we're all together.
So she showed up. My mom was there and we started talking about the future, because i had just recently turned 25 and i feel kindof stressed out because i wanna start having a family on my own, but i don't have a boyfriend. So it all turned into a talk about my self-esteem and my physique, which is doomed to get emotional and it did. So I started crying talking about my body so i went to the bathroom. Then when i had dried my tears and came back to the kitchen my sisters were planning Izzies birthday party- WITHOUT ME! We all have to wait for Alyssa to show but starting without me is ok! And I blame Ellie for that. Do I not count?
But this is the way it's always been, they've always been much closer and i blame myself for that, because i haven't exactly been around. I was an angry kid, and when I was 19 i moved away to Costa Rica and stayed there for three years. Of course they've banded! And seemingly I'm not let in. Alyssa and I both live in Charlotte where we study at university. One day my sister says Ellie was in Charlotte with her for a weekend. She normally stays with Alyssa, but atleast they let me know if she's coming. But this time she didn't, but i got to know the week AFTER! That hurt. And dad's girlfriend Erica says she understand me. I'm so frustrated with my mom, because she says it's all in my head, but it's not! It's there, it's real, and Erica says she absolutely hears how they talk about what THEY do on the weekends, what THEY used to act like in certain situations, how THEY are, what happened to THEM this one time, how THEY once at Alyssa's place had to light a cigarett just to go outside and listen to these kids talking crap etc etc etc. It's always THEM together that do things and have experience, and i'm not a part of that.
So now i've decided to not fight it anymore, but to accept it. I haven't yet, but i'm trying. It's so hard and i really don't handle crises well because i feel even worse about myself. I'm always to blame somehow. Maybe not entirely, but in the end my poor relation to my sisters is my fault because i was such a little bitch when i was a kid and then i moved away- of course they rather hang out together than letting me be a natural part of their lives.
Bulimica then.. i've been sooo bulimic during these last couple of days. Don't know how many times i've puked, took x-lax twice in two days, went for a run yesterday and set a new personal record, did my 4.3 miles in 30 minutes! I was so upset while i was running i actually cried and i pushed myself pretty hard. But it just felt so good letting the endorphines out, it made it all endurable.
So she showed up. My mom was there and we started talking about the future, because i had just recently turned 25 and i feel kindof stressed out because i wanna start having a family on my own, but i don't have a boyfriend. So it all turned into a talk about my self-esteem and my physique, which is doomed to get emotional and it did. So I started crying talking about my body so i went to the bathroom. Then when i had dried my tears and came back to the kitchen my sisters were planning Izzies birthday party- WITHOUT ME! We all have to wait for Alyssa to show but starting without me is ok! And I blame Ellie for that. Do I not count?
But this is the way it's always been, they've always been much closer and i blame myself for that, because i haven't exactly been around. I was an angry kid, and when I was 19 i moved away to Costa Rica and stayed there for three years. Of course they've banded! And seemingly I'm not let in. Alyssa and I both live in Charlotte where we study at university. One day my sister says Ellie was in Charlotte with her for a weekend. She normally stays with Alyssa, but atleast they let me know if she's coming. But this time she didn't, but i got to know the week AFTER! That hurt. And dad's girlfriend Erica says she understand me. I'm so frustrated with my mom, because she says it's all in my head, but it's not! It's there, it's real, and Erica says she absolutely hears how they talk about what THEY do on the weekends, what THEY used to act like in certain situations, how THEY are, what happened to THEM this one time, how THEY once at Alyssa's place had to light a cigarett just to go outside and listen to these kids talking crap etc etc etc. It's always THEM together that do things and have experience, and i'm not a part of that.
So now i've decided to not fight it anymore, but to accept it. I haven't yet, but i'm trying. It's so hard and i really don't handle crises well because i feel even worse about myself. I'm always to blame somehow. Maybe not entirely, but in the end my poor relation to my sisters is my fault because i was such a little bitch when i was a kid and then i moved away- of course they rather hang out together than letting me be a natural part of their lives.
Bulimica then.. i've been sooo bulimic during these last couple of days. Don't know how many times i've puked, took x-lax twice in two days, went for a run yesterday and set a new personal record, did my 4.3 miles in 30 minutes! I was so upset while i was running i actually cried and i pushed myself pretty hard. But it just felt so good letting the endorphines out, it made it all endurable.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
"Do I have an eating disorder?"
Took a test. To see how i was doing. Not well. But that i knew.
Take the test yourself on
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/interactive/interactivetests/eatingdisorder.php
You have scored 61.
56+
Scores at this level indicate that you have an eating disorder - either anorexia nervosa, bulimia or compulsive eating (otherwise known as Binge Eating Disorder). To learn more about these categories, please click on the links below. It would seem that your life, your emotions and your feelings of self-worth are dominated by your relationship with food and with your anxieties about your body size and shape.
Don’t despair. An eating disorder is not a sign that you have had a traumatic childhood, or that you have serious psychological problems. However, there is probably something missing in your life, perhaps you are simply not coping with the day-to-day challenges that life and relationships are putting in your path. And your eating behaviour and abuse of food is a cry for help - telling you that you are in emotional distress.
Your eating problems are a mirror, a reflection of your struggles for control in other aspects of your life. Underneath, you are not a happy person but the trouble is that your struggles with food are making you feel even worse about yourself. You may feel trapped in a cycle of destructive-eating behaviours and low self-esteem from which is difficult to escape on your own.
An eating disorder not only makes you feel very unhappy, it also pays havoc with your health. If you are anorexic, you will be vulnerable to illness and you may damage your vital organs, including the structure of your heart and disintegration of your bones. This is also true of bulimia, which has the added risk of damage to the entire digestive system. Compulsive eating is dangerous, too, bringing the risk of diabetes and all the illness associated with being overweight.
Please don’t waste time trying to fix your eating disorder on your own. You need help from a professional who can restore your relationship with food and with yourself. This will usually be a counsellor or a psychologist with specialist training in eating disorder skills. They would identify all the issues in your current lifestyle - attitudes and emotions that are driving the eating problem and creating abnormal and uncontrollable hungers.
The first port of call is your GP who may know of a suitable counsellor or eating disorder service in your area. Other useful contact numbers include the Eating Disorder Association in Norwich (01603 621414) and the National Centre For Eating Disorders on 01372 469493
Types of eating disorders
Compulsive eating
You feel you eat enough, but you can't stop eating. However much you eat, you keep on having more. At times, it feels as if you have been taken over by someone else, and you can feel physically bad and very guilty when you stop but you do it again anyway.
You might make promises to stop, but, whatever triggers you, starts it off all over again and you feel out of control. You try to diet and you can't even get started, or you may lose weight, only to put it all on again and even more. You have probably tried lots of diets but you may be fatter than ever.
It seems like an unending cycle of eating, remorse, dieting and overeating again. You feel very ashamed of your eating habits and so you may eat a lot in secret. You can't make sense of what you do. You long to eat normally like everybody else, just take food or leave it. But it's never enough.
Bulimia
You have tried to lose weight earlier in your life but you started overeating and you thought that getting rid of it would be a good idea to stop you from gaining weight. But it has gone out of control and now these secret rituals of bingeing and purging rule your life.
You can eat just one bite too many and that can set things off. You eat large amounts of food, forbidden food: sometimes you don't even taste it, then you get rid of it. It makes you feel very bad, ashamed and ill but you simply cannot stop.
You long to be able to eat normally, or at least stop doing these terrible things to yourself, but you are terrified of gaining weight. And so it goes on and on and, although you long for help, you don't dare let anyone find out.
Take the test yourself on
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/interactive/interactivetests/eatingdisorder.php
You have scored 61.
56+
Scores at this level indicate that you have an eating disorder - either anorexia nervosa, bulimia or compulsive eating (otherwise known as Binge Eating Disorder). To learn more about these categories, please click on the links below. It would seem that your life, your emotions and your feelings of self-worth are dominated by your relationship with food and with your anxieties about your body size and shape.
Don’t despair. An eating disorder is not a sign that you have had a traumatic childhood, or that you have serious psychological problems. However, there is probably something missing in your life, perhaps you are simply not coping with the day-to-day challenges that life and relationships are putting in your path. And your eating behaviour and abuse of food is a cry for help - telling you that you are in emotional distress.
Your eating problems are a mirror, a reflection of your struggles for control in other aspects of your life. Underneath, you are not a happy person but the trouble is that your struggles with food are making you feel even worse about yourself. You may feel trapped in a cycle of destructive-eating behaviours and low self-esteem from which is difficult to escape on your own.
An eating disorder not only makes you feel very unhappy, it also pays havoc with your health. If you are anorexic, you will be vulnerable to illness and you may damage your vital organs, including the structure of your heart and disintegration of your bones. This is also true of bulimia, which has the added risk of damage to the entire digestive system. Compulsive eating is dangerous, too, bringing the risk of diabetes and all the illness associated with being overweight.
Please don’t waste time trying to fix your eating disorder on your own. You need help from a professional who can restore your relationship with food and with yourself. This will usually be a counsellor or a psychologist with specialist training in eating disorder skills. They would identify all the issues in your current lifestyle - attitudes and emotions that are driving the eating problem and creating abnormal and uncontrollable hungers.
The first port of call is your GP who may know of a suitable counsellor or eating disorder service in your area. Other useful contact numbers include the Eating Disorder Association in Norwich (01603 621414) and the National Centre For Eating Disorders on 01372 469493
Types of eating disorders
Compulsive eating
You feel you eat enough, but you can't stop eating. However much you eat, you keep on having more. At times, it feels as if you have been taken over by someone else, and you can feel physically bad and very guilty when you stop but you do it again anyway.
You might make promises to stop, but, whatever triggers you, starts it off all over again and you feel out of control. You try to diet and you can't even get started, or you may lose weight, only to put it all on again and even more. You have probably tried lots of diets but you may be fatter than ever.
It seems like an unending cycle of eating, remorse, dieting and overeating again. You feel very ashamed of your eating habits and so you may eat a lot in secret. You can't make sense of what you do. You long to eat normally like everybody else, just take food or leave it. But it's never enough.
Bulimia
You have tried to lose weight earlier in your life but you started overeating and you thought that getting rid of it would be a good idea to stop you from gaining weight. But it has gone out of control and now these secret rituals of bingeing and purging rule your life.
You can eat just one bite too many and that can set things off. You eat large amounts of food, forbidden food: sometimes you don't even taste it, then you get rid of it. It makes you feel very bad, ashamed and ill but you simply cannot stop.
You long to be able to eat normally, or at least stop doing these terrible things to yourself, but you are terrified of gaining weight. And so it goes on and on and, although you long for help, you don't dare let anyone find out.
Show me the way...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ht2JnIikfM0
Listen to it. I bet alot of girls my age feel the same. So many girls have eating disorders, but not alot of them have figured out they suffer from them. And as i've been through before in my blog: In the end it's all psycological.
These lyrics express my feelings for the nearest future. I need guidance.
Turning the key unlocking the door
Embracing the roller coaster world
Stepping outside with body and soul
Taking whatever future holds
Turning the key unlocking the door
Embracing the roller coaster world
You're taking the stride you're just twenty-five
And you know we've all been hurt before
Listen to it. I bet alot of girls my age feel the same. So many girls have eating disorders, but not alot of them have figured out they suffer from them. And as i've been through before in my blog: In the end it's all psycological.
These lyrics express my feelings for the nearest future. I need guidance.
Turning the key unlocking the door
Embracing the roller coaster world
Stepping outside with body and soul
Taking whatever future holds
Turning the key unlocking the door
Embracing the roller coaster world
You're taking the stride you're just twenty-five
And you know we've all been hurt before
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Keeping it real?
I've done this before too, but i don't know if it's good or bad. Or maybe just better... I haven't porged since wednesday, and that's because instead of swollowing i chew and spit it out. And i can actually do it! I don't feel the need to swollow, i just spit the cookies and chocolate out instead of swollowing. I don't know, im sure the therapist would say it's still as bad, but it kept me from porging...
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Drunken mistakes
Just purged. I haven't eaten barely anything today. Not on purpose, i've been running around like crazy all day trying to make deadlines. And I have! Only that when i did eat, round supper since we i was having a barbecue with my friends, i had alot of the good stuff. Started out slowly and ok, two saucages was enough to start with. And two glasses of wine. But then i had some more wine. Josephine asked me to go and get the cup cakes she made me for my birthday, which i happily did. Then i had some more wine, until it started spinning in my head, and then i had a total of 6 cupcakes! Realized my mistake when i started comparing my horrible body with my beautiful friends' bodies. They are stunning. And look at me! Whatever happened to my belly!! I've always had a flat belly, even if my arms and legs' been under all critique. But now i can barely see my feet, i look pregnant! My sister says it may be because of my eating disorder, but that's bull shit. Why wouldn't i have gotten that belly before then? I've been eating the same things and acted the same way for a long time. Why hasn't the belly come before?? Nevermind, im gonna get to the gym first thing in the morning. Have fun everyone!
Zoey
Zoey
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Slut..
I logged on to facebook and saw a comment from Trent. Then he had some comments on that from 3 different people, i know them all. And that's funny, I've slept with that guy with the comment. And one of the other guys that left the comments is my ex (who left me for being hard to live with when i was a teen) and obviously i've slept with him too. Another comment came from Oliver, whom I've also slept with. And not just once, but twice... and both times were a three-way... and what's funny is that Trent was involved in one of them!! And then the third and last comment came from Daniel- a guy that's been trying to ask me out I've actually avoided him because im not interested.
PROBLEM: I feel like a slut. My ex, who i don't talk to, knows about the first threeway that Oliver, one of my ex's best friends was involved in. He just High Fived him after he learnt about it. Oliver says he didn't like it, and i actually believe him! Oliver is a nice guy. I don't know if my ex knows about the three-way where Trent was involved. It's hard to tell, my ex doesn't give a damn about me, and honestly i don't care about him either. But what bothers me is that they go around and high five each other because they've slept with the same girl. I can't believe it. But im to blame for this, kindof! Because i'm the one that put myself out there for everyone to sleep with, because i'm so desperate to be liked. But all i get is "at first i thought it was your face that made me so into you, but now it's just the way you fuck" and guys high fiving eachother because they all slept with me. I'm a slut, and they are pimps.
Aight so lets have a look at the big picture here. My mom told me that sleeping with someone is the last thing you should do, not the first. Good point. Me, I'm so desperate to find someone I sleep with a guy that i want to sleep with if he wants to sleep with me immediately thinking i'll get him. But as it turns out he's always unhappy about my heavy body (that i conceal pretty well with my clothes apparently, since nobody seems to have anything against it before they see me naked), but he "likes the way i fuck" as i get from alot of boys, so they'll keep sleeping with me until it all gets too complicated, i want something more and they don't so it always turns out bad.
PROBLEM: I feel like a slut. My ex, who i don't talk to, knows about the first threeway that Oliver, one of my ex's best friends was involved in. He just High Fived him after he learnt about it. Oliver says he didn't like it, and i actually believe him! Oliver is a nice guy. I don't know if my ex knows about the three-way where Trent was involved. It's hard to tell, my ex doesn't give a damn about me, and honestly i don't care about him either. But what bothers me is that they go around and high five each other because they've slept with the same girl. I can't believe it. But im to blame for this, kindof! Because i'm the one that put myself out there for everyone to sleep with, because i'm so desperate to be liked. But all i get is "at first i thought it was your face that made me so into you, but now it's just the way you fuck" and guys high fiving eachother because they all slept with me. I'm a slut, and they are pimps. Wednesday, July 14, 2010
New personal record
I ran half a marathon yesterday !!! That should feel great, shouldn't it? I mean, it's a good achievement and it's a new personal record.But when it's about me i can't be 100% happy about it, because i can't tell alot of people. I can't tell my family because they would think I overdid it again and that i'm far away from being cured from Bulimia. I can't tell alot of my friends either because they'd think the same as my parents. I can tell Sarah, and im gonna have to tell Sarah because i tell her everything about my eating and exercising so that we can analyze and see how far i've gotten and what we gotta change in order for me to handle my habits.
But it's just so sad, because sure when i first started running, i was running for compensation. But then it all just felt so smooth so i kept running and ran twice the distance i was gonna run. And then i ran some more and then some more and then i ended up wanting to break my record !! Which i did :) And then it wasn't about burning calories anymore, then it was to boost my self-confidence by breaking my PT !!
So maybe it's all good, because now i ran for a different reason.. and to be honest it felt awesome !! I'm left indifferent after a run because i do it so often and it's a part of my routine to lose weight. So when i finish a run i just go whatever, now i compensated. But now it was such a great achievement, it's been a long time since the last time i felt good over something i did !!
Monday, July 12, 2010
My dad's the greatest
I love my dad, and i love him alot for trying so hard to understand why im bulimic. He's been noticing since i was 14 that i had eating disorders and he just told me he was in contact with the school nurse about it. I don't remember that and i don't remember any procedures were made about it. That's weird, isn't it? When a 14 year old is suspected to be bulimic, why don't they do something about it, atleast talk with me about it? I donno, maybe i forgot they did.
My dad says he understands it's all about control. I think he read that somewhere or heard it from others that bulimics like to have control, but i don't recognize myself in that description. Ok, sure.. it's about controlling the over-eating, but i'd rather say that's compensation. And the roots to my disorders is my self-esteem. I estimate myself poorly, i'm aware of that. But i don't see how thats gonna change. I still claim im just being honest. I see 130 on the scales. The thin girls my height are slimmer. And it's no wonder guys see me as "heavy", because they compare me with other girls. I'm a type 2A muscle fiber person, i.e. i find it easier to build muscles than being pertinacious. However, i've gotten to be pertinacious, cause i only do cardio and i do it alot.. But my natural body shape is: strong and heavy and it seems as if i can't do anything about it. Sadly, it made me self-concious, sad and bulimic. That's why i think surgery is actually gonna help me !! I cant wait til i've earned my salary so i can schedule in an appointment with the plastic surgeon.
My rehab is going up and down. It's hard when i don't have Sarah.. and now im gonna lose her, as im moving away. So I'm gonna try to get help there instead of here.. i hate getting new help. I like Sarah and now im gonna have to change. But that's ok, it was my choice to leave in the first place anyway.
My dad says he understands it's all about control. I think he read that somewhere or heard it from others that bulimics like to have control, but i don't recognize myself in that description. Ok, sure.. it's about controlling the over-eating, but i'd rather say that's compensation. And the roots to my disorders is my self-esteem. I estimate myself poorly, i'm aware of that. But i don't see how thats gonna change. I still claim im just being honest. I see 130 on the scales. The thin girls my height are slimmer. And it's no wonder guys see me as "heavy", because they compare me with other girls. I'm a type 2A muscle fiber person, i.e. i find it easier to build muscles than being pertinacious. However, i've gotten to be pertinacious, cause i only do cardio and i do it alot.. But my natural body shape is: strong and heavy and it seems as if i can't do anything about it. Sadly, it made me self-concious, sad and bulimic. That's why i think surgery is actually gonna help me !! I cant wait til i've earned my salary so i can schedule in an appointment with the plastic surgeon.
My rehab is going up and down. It's hard when i don't have Sarah.. and now im gonna lose her, as im moving away. So I'm gonna try to get help there instead of here.. i hate getting new help. I like Sarah and now im gonna have to change. But that's ok, it was my choice to leave in the first place anyway.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
worse and worse self-esteem
I met my uncle today at work. I was at the fruit department when he came up just to talk a bit with me. Before he left he said
- And Zoey love, don't look so sad.
I have never had my uncle say that to me. And besides I always hear how happy I look and how nice it is to meet me at the supermarket, and my mom keeps getting compliments for her daughters. My God, it's getting worse and worse !! I've been bulimic for many years but i've never looked sad in public, and noone has ever been able to tell i suffer from eating disorders, not since i stopped sharing dressing rooms with the other girls back in school.
I'm now planning on getting more surgery. I know this sounds sick, but it's something i really wanna do. I wanna do my cheeks. My hamster cheeks and my jaw line. Just get some fat away, i hate that my face and my jaw-line looks so "strong", that's what spoils my face and i hate being on pictures because of it. 1000 dollars it's gonna cost me, and 1200 dollars the upper arm surgery.. i hope ill be able to do it within a year.
- And Zoey love, don't look so sad.
I have never had my uncle say that to me. And besides I always hear how happy I look and how nice it is to meet me at the supermarket, and my mom keeps getting compliments for her daughters. My God, it's getting worse and worse !! I've been bulimic for many years but i've never looked sad in public, and noone has ever been able to tell i suffer from eating disorders, not since i stopped sharing dressing rooms with the other girls back in school.
I'm now planning on getting more surgery. I know this sounds sick, but it's something i really wanna do. I wanna do my cheeks. My hamster cheeks and my jaw line. Just get some fat away, i hate that my face and my jaw-line looks so "strong", that's what spoils my face and i hate being on pictures because of it. 1000 dollars it's gonna cost me, and 1200 dollars the upper arm surgery.. i hope ill be able to do it within a year.
Friday, July 9, 2010
My mom's words
I'm amazed i went all the way to friday before i hurled. It all happened this morning at work when my mom looked at me and asked me if i had been crying. "No.. why?" "Your face is swollen".
My god... the night before i had been eating birthday cake and had two glasses of wine, because it was my dad's 46:th birthday. I came back from work at 6.15 pm and then we had our barbecue dinner together with some friends and family. I had my stake, then i had pineapple pie that my sister had made and after that i had cake and then the two glasses of wine. Normally i work out on thursdays but this time of course i couldn't because i had to celebrate my dad. I had felt good throughout the week so i thought i was fine.. until friday morning when i woke up and felt like a helium balloon. And then my mom confirmed it when she said i was (not to be mean, she thought i had been crying). So i excused myself, went to the bathroom, grabbed my pen and tucked it into my throat. Normally when i put the water on i can be pretty quiet, but this time i caughed like crazy, probably because the pen was too thick. Suzanne heard me and she asked my mom if i was ok because i was puking. Then i heard my mom..
Mom - Zoey!
Damn...
Me - What?!
Mom -What are you doing in there ??
Me - Nothing, i just had to go.
So i flushed the toilet, washed my hands to make it appear like i had gone to pee and walked out. My mom stood there and looked at me
Mom- Why are you throwing up?
Me - I didn't throw up
And just walked passed her.
She ran up to me and said i was so puking, and i totally denied i was. But i couldn't fool her. As i said in a previous entry i told my mom i was bulimic, so she knows i am. She made me go with her to her office and had a talk with me.
That talk was the best talk i have ever had with my mom. She listened to me, she said i was thin and she asked me to see how valuable i was, and for as long as i would be looking for myself i couldn't possibly find somebody else, cause im freaked out about the fact that i'll be 25 in two weeks and that i haven't found anyone that i can settle down and start a family with yet. I attract people at the very beginning, but then once we've slept together, which i do pretty immediately, they loose interest and confirm that they think im too heavy. I'm 128 now, and the last time i slept with someone i was over 130, so maybe i wouldn't be so dumped for my weight now ... but then again, it's my arms.. guys really like to comment them and i hate it.. i can't wait to have surgery !!
My mom said i shouldn't put myself out there too easily because that's why guys loose interest in me so quickly. "Sleeping with them is not the first thing you do, it's the last thing you do". She's right. The longer you wait the more intense it's gonna get. I've never lived after the expression "I don't sleep with anyone on the first date", because i normally do !! That's gotta stop. Maybe then i can get them to see other things in me and get them to like "Zoey" instead of focusing on my body. I don't know, i don't know anything. I'm a mess, i've always been. But my mom's words were wise... i think im gonna listen to her for once.
But i still hate my arms and im still having surgery. I know, that's crazy and a bit over the top, but if you saw them you would understand.
My god... the night before i had been eating birthday cake and had two glasses of wine, because it was my dad's 46:th birthday. I came back from work at 6.15 pm and then we had our barbecue dinner together with some friends and family. I had my stake, then i had pineapple pie that my sister had made and after that i had cake and then the two glasses of wine. Normally i work out on thursdays but this time of course i couldn't because i had to celebrate my dad. I had felt good throughout the week so i thought i was fine.. until friday morning when i woke up and felt like a helium balloon. And then my mom confirmed it when she said i was (not to be mean, she thought i had been crying). So i excused myself, went to the bathroom, grabbed my pen and tucked it into my throat. Normally when i put the water on i can be pretty quiet, but this time i caughed like crazy, probably because the pen was too thick. Suzanne heard me and she asked my mom if i was ok because i was puking. Then i heard my mom..
Mom - Zoey!
Damn...
Me - What?!
Mom -What are you doing in there ??
Me - Nothing, i just had to go.
So i flushed the toilet, washed my hands to make it appear like i had gone to pee and walked out. My mom stood there and looked at me
Mom- Why are you throwing up?
Me - I didn't throw up
And just walked passed her.
She ran up to me and said i was so puking, and i totally denied i was. But i couldn't fool her. As i said in a previous entry i told my mom i was bulimic, so she knows i am. She made me go with her to her office and had a talk with me.
That talk was the best talk i have ever had with my mom. She listened to me, she said i was thin and she asked me to see how valuable i was, and for as long as i would be looking for myself i couldn't possibly find somebody else, cause im freaked out about the fact that i'll be 25 in two weeks and that i haven't found anyone that i can settle down and start a family with yet. I attract people at the very beginning, but then once we've slept together, which i do pretty immediately, they loose interest and confirm that they think im too heavy. I'm 128 now, and the last time i slept with someone i was over 130, so maybe i wouldn't be so dumped for my weight now ... but then again, it's my arms.. guys really like to comment them and i hate it.. i can't wait to have surgery !!
My mom said i shouldn't put myself out there too easily because that's why guys loose interest in me so quickly. "Sleeping with them is not the first thing you do, it's the last thing you do". She's right. The longer you wait the more intense it's gonna get. I've never lived after the expression "I don't sleep with anyone on the first date", because i normally do !! That's gotta stop. Maybe then i can get them to see other things in me and get them to like "Zoey" instead of focusing on my body. I don't know, i don't know anything. I'm a mess, i've always been. But my mom's words were wise... i think im gonna listen to her for once.
But i still hate my arms and im still having surgery. I know, that's crazy and a bit over the top, but if you saw them you would understand.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Still feel good !!
I'm gonna be quick: I just wanted to say that this week is going so smoothly !! I feel balanced, i kindof found a calmness in my inner self, maybe because i've got alot of things going on.. like i got a new job, im moving, im taking a sport's med summer course at the university, im summer working, im planning for future classes, i need to organize my move to my new home town..... also i need to have time to exercise.. and since im on that subject, i've checked out some activities in my new town, like tennis, rock climbing, horse back riding, athletics, salsa course, pilates.. it seems as if imma be pretty busy doing other things besides working and studying what i need to study to get my degree !! All that takes my mind off my issues and it makes life bareable .. even more than bareable, more like..nice !!
I notice my dad is paying alot of attention to me. He's listening to everything i say, whenas he hasn't before.. my dad is a nice person, he always has been. But he usually don't listen to me, but when i start talking he just goes "yea..yea" and then he leaves. But now he's being audiotive and responsive !! I kindof see through it, it's because he knows my status and that i need to be taken care of, so he's being gentle.. but i don't mind, it's nice when he listens.
I notice my dad is paying alot of attention to me. He's listening to everything i say, whenas he hasn't before.. my dad is a nice person, he always has been. But he usually don't listen to me, but when i start talking he just goes "yea..yea" and then he leaves. But now he's being audiotive and responsive !! I kindof see through it, it's because he knows my status and that i need to be taken care of, so he's being gentle.. but i don't mind, it's nice when he listens.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Aiming for a successful week !!
I emailed Sarah and explained my week to her, about my success and failure. I haven't had such a good week for a very long time, so looking back on it i actually feel kindof proud !! Had a tough one with my mom, but we're doing better now. I think that she's trying to be more considerate now, even if she doesn't want to admit it, because she looks like she's trying to be sensitive and responsive when we're talking to her, more than she has before. But i don't trust her not to go back to her old ways and accusing me for being this and that without really knowing what's going on.
So this is what i told Sarah, and this is what last week looked like.
I did good when my schedule was good. When I started work at 7 am and finished at 5 pm. Then i had my breakfast at 6 am, had a cup of coffee before opening time at 7.45. Lunch at 1 pm, then another cup of coffee at 3 pm and dinner at 5.30 pm. I also drank about 2 liters of water and i exercised after playing with my little sisters and they had gone to bed after 8 pm. I was happy with that, i felt balanced and no need to hurl.
But then i do hours like 11 am to 21 pm with lunch at 3 pm, right in between my supposed meals and then i wont feel hungry until 8 pm, but then there's two problems. 1. I'm still at work and i cant eat and 2. it's too late for me to eat. So im not very balanced those days.
In conclusion, last week i threw up 2 times, took x-lax once and exercised every day in some form- either to compensate the over-eating or to keep my burn high- depending of if i felt balanced or not (balanced= training for burning and unbalanced= training to compensate).
Sarah said she thought i was doing good and that it's normal that it's not gonna work out right at the very start of the rehab. But she also said that i can't use the "im just starting out, im allowed to fail" as an excuse to fail. But i told her my goal was to have one successful week, and she said that sounded good.
Then she worried about my exercising and said it was excessive. I don't think it is, i've cut down alot. Before i did 4 hours hard work out 5 days a week and one day of just walking. Now i do a little bit every day, but different things (always cardio though, as it's more effective to a high calorie burn). But she doesn't see that exercising for compensation and exercising for burning are two different things, but still thinks i excerisise for the wrong reasons. She thinks i should cut down even more and replace those days that i don't exercise with reading or doing arts and crafts. She also thinks i should replace one or two cardio sessions with pilates (or yoga or something else that's relaxing). So she thinks i should cut down to only exercising three times a week (+one walking day if i want to) and not doing all cardio. That would be weird. I don't know what it's like not to do cardio atleast 4 times a week and then do 1 or 2 extra days of light cardio. If i then would like to do something else, like afro dancing or body pump i just add that to my work out. It's gonna be weeeeiiiird to cut down.. but i trust Sarah so Im gonna listen to her.
My new work out schedule is therefor gonna be like this:
Monday:
Cardio workout, long distance running
Tuesday:
Pilates and walking
Wednesday
3k warm-up by slow jogging, middle distance speed work out (exercising of the 2A muscle fibers) and 2k chill-down in a slow pace
Thursday
Power walking Up-Hill and running Down-Hill
Friday
Resting
Saturday
Resting/walking
Sunday
Walking + Yoga
Looks quite boring doesn't it. As I said, im home for the summer, and the town i grew up in doesn't have a gym, so I'm on my own. And i wanna do cardio so this is what i have.
Today, monday, i did good. So i feel like i had a good start of the week !! Will this be my first successful week in a long time?? Who knows...
So this is what i told Sarah, and this is what last week looked like.
I did good when my schedule was good. When I started work at 7 am and finished at 5 pm. Then i had my breakfast at 6 am, had a cup of coffee before opening time at 7.45. Lunch at 1 pm, then another cup of coffee at 3 pm and dinner at 5.30 pm. I also drank about 2 liters of water and i exercised after playing with my little sisters and they had gone to bed after 8 pm. I was happy with that, i felt balanced and no need to hurl.
But then i do hours like 11 am to 21 pm with lunch at 3 pm, right in between my supposed meals and then i wont feel hungry until 8 pm, but then there's two problems. 1. I'm still at work and i cant eat and 2. it's too late for me to eat. So im not very balanced those days.
In conclusion, last week i threw up 2 times, took x-lax once and exercised every day in some form- either to compensate the over-eating or to keep my burn high- depending of if i felt balanced or not (balanced= training for burning and unbalanced= training to compensate).
Sarah said she thought i was doing good and that it's normal that it's not gonna work out right at the very start of the rehab. But she also said that i can't use the "im just starting out, im allowed to fail" as an excuse to fail. But i told her my goal was to have one successful week, and she said that sounded good.
Then she worried about my exercising and said it was excessive. I don't think it is, i've cut down alot. Before i did 4 hours hard work out 5 days a week and one day of just walking. Now i do a little bit every day, but different things (always cardio though, as it's more effective to a high calorie burn). But she doesn't see that exercising for compensation and exercising for burning are two different things, but still thinks i excerisise for the wrong reasons. She thinks i should cut down even more and replace those days that i don't exercise with reading or doing arts and crafts. She also thinks i should replace one or two cardio sessions with pilates (or yoga or something else that's relaxing). So she thinks i should cut down to only exercising three times a week (+one walking day if i want to) and not doing all cardio. That would be weird. I don't know what it's like not to do cardio atleast 4 times a week and then do 1 or 2 extra days of light cardio. If i then would like to do something else, like afro dancing or body pump i just add that to my work out. It's gonna be weeeeiiiird to cut down.. but i trust Sarah so Im gonna listen to her.
My new work out schedule is therefor gonna be like this:
Monday:
Cardio workout, long distance running
Tuesday:
Pilates and walking
Wednesday
3k warm-up by slow jogging, middle distance speed work out (exercising of the 2A muscle fibers) and 2k chill-down in a slow pace
Thursday
Power walking Up-Hill and running Down-Hill
Friday
Resting
Saturday
Resting/walking
Sunday
Walking + Yoga
Looks quite boring doesn't it. As I said, im home for the summer, and the town i grew up in doesn't have a gym, so I'm on my own. And i wanna do cardio so this is what i have.
Today, monday, i did good. So i feel like i had a good start of the week !! Will this be my first successful week in a long time?? Who knows...
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Thank God for Aldo !!
I just found out a guy i kindof started to like has a girlfriend. It sucks, i liked this guy alot, but im glad i found out now before i got too emotionally involved.
What's more joyful is that i met Aldo today !! He's this 45-50 year old italian guy that spends every summer here with his family and runs a sport fishing travelling company. Now it turns out he sold his company back in Italy and invested whole-heartily in this new company here !! That's nice, I like Aldo and his family !! I asked him today if he associated with this other sport fishing guy i know he knows from my town and he said he didnt. "Mejor solo que mal acompañado" he said (which is spanish for being better off alone that in bad company). So true. I kindof look up to him. He's italian and he persued his dream and made it all the way here- all by himself more or less. But with his family, consisting of beautiful wife and down-to-earth Miki whom he shares is passion for fishing with and his two sons Gabriel and Moreno (round 18-20 years). I wouldn't leave italy for this, that's for sure, but the thing is: he wanted to do that, he had his family behind him, he speaks fluent italian, spanish, french and english and even a bit swedish (!!) probably german aswell... im so glad i found out about that guy i liked having a girlfriend today, because meeting Aldo made my day.
Had a baaad day, foodwise today. Puked 2-3 times again... i really need to get back into that great flow i was in at the beginning of the week. I'll get back on my feet tomorrow
What's more joyful is that i met Aldo today !! He's this 45-50 year old italian guy that spends every summer here with his family and runs a sport fishing travelling company. Now it turns out he sold his company back in Italy and invested whole-heartily in this new company here !! That's nice, I like Aldo and his family !! I asked him today if he associated with this other sport fishing guy i know he knows from my town and he said he didnt. "Mejor solo que mal acompañado" he said (which is spanish for being better off alone that in bad company). So true. I kindof look up to him. He's italian and he persued his dream and made it all the way here- all by himself more or less. But with his family, consisting of beautiful wife and down-to-earth Miki whom he shares is passion for fishing with and his two sons Gabriel and Moreno (round 18-20 years). I wouldn't leave italy for this, that's for sure, but the thing is: he wanted to do that, he had his family behind him, he speaks fluent italian, spanish, french and english and even a bit swedish (!!) probably german aswell... im so glad i found out about that guy i liked having a girlfriend today, because meeting Aldo made my day.
Had a baaad day, foodwise today. Puked 2-3 times again... i really need to get back into that great flow i was in at the beginning of the week. I'll get back on my feet tomorrow
Friday, July 2, 2010
Smoothly-er
Ok, so I'm back home to work for the summer. I told you i don't get along well with my mother, but she's actually behaving well now. But i can't get over that she looks down on her own children that much, and she denies us our adulthood, our knowledge and she steps on us to make us feel inferior to her. For that I've lost a bit of respect for her. It's been 2 days now and we're ok, we don't talk about it and we speak as adults, but i just can't get over it, because everytime i tell her something and even if it seems as if she's listening i keep thinking she's probably not taking me seriously.
Enough of that now, luckliy i don't live with her for most of the year and we've told her what we think about her treatment of the 5-year-old. I know my mom can sometimes appear as if she doesn't wanna listen but i think she actually might sometimes. So hopefully that's gonna be ok.
About my recovery. I'm so not recovered, i still need to work on myself and on my eating disorder. But im doing way better now, because i have a strict schedule and i can't eat other then when im off during breakfast, lunch and dinner, and after i quit work i go outside to practice sports. So I actually eat more regularly, i mind what i eat and i make sure i exercise in the evening even if i run around a whole lot at work. So my kcal burn is prolly pretty high, because i've noticed i've lost 4 pounds in only one week doing what i do now !! I've only binged eated twice (first time i ate ex-lax afterwards and second time- this morning, i threw up) and i know that i exercise a little too hard, and mainly because i wanna burn what i eat, so i know im not recovered yet, not by far !! But i think i've come a long way, im concious about what i do and what i eat, what i eat and when. I make sure i keep myself busy doing something so that i don't have to think about food: wether it's doing sports or reading a book. There are so many things you can do to change your ways, I thank Sarah because she's the one that makes me realize all these things !! I love having here by my side, she's so experienced, she knows what i'm going through, she likes working with what she does and it really shows :)
Still not happy about my arms though... im so having surgery !!
Im off to bed. I'm soooo tired !! Worked 13.5 hours today, went out, brought the dog, climbed the hill through the forest (the dog loved it), ran down and ran a bit more, and now i've studied my sport's med course that im taking for the summer and that i wanna make. So i see you later !!
Enough of that now, luckliy i don't live with her for most of the year and we've told her what we think about her treatment of the 5-year-old. I know my mom can sometimes appear as if she doesn't wanna listen but i think she actually might sometimes. So hopefully that's gonna be ok.
About my recovery. I'm so not recovered, i still need to work on myself and on my eating disorder. But im doing way better now, because i have a strict schedule and i can't eat other then when im off during breakfast, lunch and dinner, and after i quit work i go outside to practice sports. So I actually eat more regularly, i mind what i eat and i make sure i exercise in the evening even if i run around a whole lot at work. So my kcal burn is prolly pretty high, because i've noticed i've lost 4 pounds in only one week doing what i do now !! I've only binged eated twice (first time i ate ex-lax afterwards and second time- this morning, i threw up) and i know that i exercise a little too hard, and mainly because i wanna burn what i eat, so i know im not recovered yet, not by far !! But i think i've come a long way, im concious about what i do and what i eat, what i eat and when. I make sure i keep myself busy doing something so that i don't have to think about food: wether it's doing sports or reading a book. There are so many things you can do to change your ways, I thank Sarah because she's the one that makes me realize all these things !! I love having here by my side, she's so experienced, she knows what i'm going through, she likes working with what she does and it really shows :)
Still not happy about my arms though... im so having surgery !!
Im off to bed. I'm soooo tired !! Worked 13.5 hours today, went out, brought the dog, climbed the hill through the forest (the dog loved it), ran down and ran a bit more, and now i've studied my sport's med course that im taking for the summer and that i wanna make. So i see you later !!
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