The more I go on the less worthy i feel of living. I'm in a fight with my sisters now. Or it's not a fight, it's uglier. They've always been tight and i've always felt left out. I don't feel like going in to that any further because it breaks my heart. But it's like a bad circle, because now i've decided i should not fight it anymore, but just accept the fact that they would probably grief harder if any of them died than if i died. And I'm trying to accept it, but if "pushing them away" means accepting it, I feel like accepting it is cruel. They don't know how to act around me, and I don't know how to act around them, so we all just avoid eachother- them avoiding me together as a unit and me avoiding them alone. And my poor dad, he wants to help me so badly but I can see it in him, he doesn't know how to do it either. And neither do I. This has led to me feeling like a scumbag. Like I'm not worthy of life if I'm gonna make everybody I know feel uncomfortable around me, even the once I love the most. Apparently I love myself more, because if i loved them more than me I would have just accepted that they love hanging out, but they don't love hanging out with me. As much as i would want to be a natural part of them, I'm not. And they know how I feel, but they don't know how to act around me, because I'm sick and unpredictable.
What now worries me is that I feel worse and worse, the difference between now and a year ago is remarkable. I went for a run today, and afterwards took a stroll down town, and my steps felt so heavy, like i had a burden to carry. I feel so bad about this whole situation- that I'VE created. Not only for me but also for them. I can't believe it. I used to wish from time to time that I was never born at all, but now i can't get it out of my system- life had been easier if I was never born.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
This is me handling crises...
Alyssa, my 23 year old sister, came home two days ago to celebrate my little sister Izzie's 5:th birthday. It all went smothly until Ellie and Alyssa started shutting me out- again. They don't do it on purpose but they've always been much closer than I have to any of them. I'm good with hanging out with one of them at the time, but when we're all together I feel like the fifth wheel. It all started when we were gonna plan for Izzie's birthday party. Alyssa weren't there because Izzie wanted her to read har a story. So she didn't show up until about 11 pm. And we waited for her. Not that we couldn't plan without her, but Ellie wanted to wait for her. Which is understandable, i didn't really react on that- it's more fun if we're all together.
So she showed up. My mom was there and we started talking about the future, because i had just recently turned 25 and i feel kindof stressed out because i wanna start having a family on my own, but i don't have a boyfriend. So it all turned into a talk about my self-esteem and my physique, which is doomed to get emotional and it did. So I started crying talking about my body so i went to the bathroom. Then when i had dried my tears and came back to the kitchen my sisters were planning Izzies birthday party- WITHOUT ME! We all have to wait for Alyssa to show but starting without me is ok! And I blame Ellie for that. Do I not count?
But this is the way it's always been, they've always been much closer and i blame myself for that, because i haven't exactly been around. I was an angry kid, and when I was 19 i moved away to Costa Rica and stayed there for three years. Of course they've banded! And seemingly I'm not let in. Alyssa and I both live in Charlotte where we study at university. One day my sister says Ellie was in Charlotte with her for a weekend. She normally stays with Alyssa, but atleast they let me know if she's coming. But this time she didn't, but i got to know the week AFTER! That hurt. And dad's girlfriend Erica says she understand me. I'm so frustrated with my mom, because she says it's all in my head, but it's not! It's there, it's real, and Erica says she absolutely hears how they talk about what THEY do on the weekends, what THEY used to act like in certain situations, how THEY are, what happened to THEM this one time, how THEY once at Alyssa's place had to light a cigarett just to go outside and listen to these kids talking crap etc etc etc. It's always THEM together that do things and have experience, and i'm not a part of that.
So now i've decided to not fight it anymore, but to accept it. I haven't yet, but i'm trying. It's so hard and i really don't handle crises well because i feel even worse about myself. I'm always to blame somehow. Maybe not entirely, but in the end my poor relation to my sisters is my fault because i was such a little bitch when i was a kid and then i moved away- of course they rather hang out together than letting me be a natural part of their lives.
Bulimica then.. i've been sooo bulimic during these last couple of days. Don't know how many times i've puked, took x-lax twice in two days, went for a run yesterday and set a new personal record, did my 4.3 miles in 30 minutes! I was so upset while i was running i actually cried and i pushed myself pretty hard. But it just felt so good letting the endorphines out, it made it all endurable.
So she showed up. My mom was there and we started talking about the future, because i had just recently turned 25 and i feel kindof stressed out because i wanna start having a family on my own, but i don't have a boyfriend. So it all turned into a talk about my self-esteem and my physique, which is doomed to get emotional and it did. So I started crying talking about my body so i went to the bathroom. Then when i had dried my tears and came back to the kitchen my sisters were planning Izzies birthday party- WITHOUT ME! We all have to wait for Alyssa to show but starting without me is ok! And I blame Ellie for that. Do I not count?
But this is the way it's always been, they've always been much closer and i blame myself for that, because i haven't exactly been around. I was an angry kid, and when I was 19 i moved away to Costa Rica and stayed there for three years. Of course they've banded! And seemingly I'm not let in. Alyssa and I both live in Charlotte where we study at university. One day my sister says Ellie was in Charlotte with her for a weekend. She normally stays with Alyssa, but atleast they let me know if she's coming. But this time she didn't, but i got to know the week AFTER! That hurt. And dad's girlfriend Erica says she understand me. I'm so frustrated with my mom, because she says it's all in my head, but it's not! It's there, it's real, and Erica says she absolutely hears how they talk about what THEY do on the weekends, what THEY used to act like in certain situations, how THEY are, what happened to THEM this one time, how THEY once at Alyssa's place had to light a cigarett just to go outside and listen to these kids talking crap etc etc etc. It's always THEM together that do things and have experience, and i'm not a part of that.
So now i've decided to not fight it anymore, but to accept it. I haven't yet, but i'm trying. It's so hard and i really don't handle crises well because i feel even worse about myself. I'm always to blame somehow. Maybe not entirely, but in the end my poor relation to my sisters is my fault because i was such a little bitch when i was a kid and then i moved away- of course they rather hang out together than letting me be a natural part of their lives.
Bulimica then.. i've been sooo bulimic during these last couple of days. Don't know how many times i've puked, took x-lax twice in two days, went for a run yesterday and set a new personal record, did my 4.3 miles in 30 minutes! I was so upset while i was running i actually cried and i pushed myself pretty hard. But it just felt so good letting the endorphines out, it made it all endurable.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
"Do I have an eating disorder?"
Took a test. To see how i was doing. Not well. But that i knew.
Take the test yourself on
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/interactive/interactivetests/eatingdisorder.php
You have scored 61.
56+
Scores at this level indicate that you have an eating disorder - either anorexia nervosa, bulimia or compulsive eating (otherwise known as Binge Eating Disorder). To learn more about these categories, please click on the links below. It would seem that your life, your emotions and your feelings of self-worth are dominated by your relationship with food and with your anxieties about your body size and shape.
Don’t despair. An eating disorder is not a sign that you have had a traumatic childhood, or that you have serious psychological problems. However, there is probably something missing in your life, perhaps you are simply not coping with the day-to-day challenges that life and relationships are putting in your path. And your eating behaviour and abuse of food is a cry for help - telling you that you are in emotional distress.
Your eating problems are a mirror, a reflection of your struggles for control in other aspects of your life. Underneath, you are not a happy person but the trouble is that your struggles with food are making you feel even worse about yourself. You may feel trapped in a cycle of destructive-eating behaviours and low self-esteem from which is difficult to escape on your own.
An eating disorder not only makes you feel very unhappy, it also pays havoc with your health. If you are anorexic, you will be vulnerable to illness and you may damage your vital organs, including the structure of your heart and disintegration of your bones. This is also true of bulimia, which has the added risk of damage to the entire digestive system. Compulsive eating is dangerous, too, bringing the risk of diabetes and all the illness associated with being overweight.
Please don’t waste time trying to fix your eating disorder on your own. You need help from a professional who can restore your relationship with food and with yourself. This will usually be a counsellor or a psychologist with specialist training in eating disorder skills. They would identify all the issues in your current lifestyle - attitudes and emotions that are driving the eating problem and creating abnormal and uncontrollable hungers.
The first port of call is your GP who may know of a suitable counsellor or eating disorder service in your area. Other useful contact numbers include the Eating Disorder Association in Norwich (01603 621414) and the National Centre For Eating Disorders on 01372 469493
Types of eating disorders
Compulsive eating
You feel you eat enough, but you can't stop eating. However much you eat, you keep on having more. At times, it feels as if you have been taken over by someone else, and you can feel physically bad and very guilty when you stop but you do it again anyway.
You might make promises to stop, but, whatever triggers you, starts it off all over again and you feel out of control. You try to diet and you can't even get started, or you may lose weight, only to put it all on again and even more. You have probably tried lots of diets but you may be fatter than ever.
It seems like an unending cycle of eating, remorse, dieting and overeating again. You feel very ashamed of your eating habits and so you may eat a lot in secret. You can't make sense of what you do. You long to eat normally like everybody else, just take food or leave it. But it's never enough.
Bulimia
You have tried to lose weight earlier in your life but you started overeating and you thought that getting rid of it would be a good idea to stop you from gaining weight. But it has gone out of control and now these secret rituals of bingeing and purging rule your life.
You can eat just one bite too many and that can set things off. You eat large amounts of food, forbidden food: sometimes you don't even taste it, then you get rid of it. It makes you feel very bad, ashamed and ill but you simply cannot stop.
You long to be able to eat normally, or at least stop doing these terrible things to yourself, but you are terrified of gaining weight. And so it goes on and on and, although you long for help, you don't dare let anyone find out.
Take the test yourself on
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/interactive/interactivetests/eatingdisorder.php
You have scored 61.
56+
Scores at this level indicate that you have an eating disorder - either anorexia nervosa, bulimia or compulsive eating (otherwise known as Binge Eating Disorder). To learn more about these categories, please click on the links below. It would seem that your life, your emotions and your feelings of self-worth are dominated by your relationship with food and with your anxieties about your body size and shape.
Don’t despair. An eating disorder is not a sign that you have had a traumatic childhood, or that you have serious psychological problems. However, there is probably something missing in your life, perhaps you are simply not coping with the day-to-day challenges that life and relationships are putting in your path. And your eating behaviour and abuse of food is a cry for help - telling you that you are in emotional distress.
Your eating problems are a mirror, a reflection of your struggles for control in other aspects of your life. Underneath, you are not a happy person but the trouble is that your struggles with food are making you feel even worse about yourself. You may feel trapped in a cycle of destructive-eating behaviours and low self-esteem from which is difficult to escape on your own.
An eating disorder not only makes you feel very unhappy, it also pays havoc with your health. If you are anorexic, you will be vulnerable to illness and you may damage your vital organs, including the structure of your heart and disintegration of your bones. This is also true of bulimia, which has the added risk of damage to the entire digestive system. Compulsive eating is dangerous, too, bringing the risk of diabetes and all the illness associated with being overweight.
Please don’t waste time trying to fix your eating disorder on your own. You need help from a professional who can restore your relationship with food and with yourself. This will usually be a counsellor or a psychologist with specialist training in eating disorder skills. They would identify all the issues in your current lifestyle - attitudes and emotions that are driving the eating problem and creating abnormal and uncontrollable hungers.
The first port of call is your GP who may know of a suitable counsellor or eating disorder service in your area. Other useful contact numbers include the Eating Disorder Association in Norwich (01603 621414) and the National Centre For Eating Disorders on 01372 469493
Types of eating disorders
Compulsive eating
You feel you eat enough, but you can't stop eating. However much you eat, you keep on having more. At times, it feels as if you have been taken over by someone else, and you can feel physically bad and very guilty when you stop but you do it again anyway.
You might make promises to stop, but, whatever triggers you, starts it off all over again and you feel out of control. You try to diet and you can't even get started, or you may lose weight, only to put it all on again and even more. You have probably tried lots of diets but you may be fatter than ever.
It seems like an unending cycle of eating, remorse, dieting and overeating again. You feel very ashamed of your eating habits and so you may eat a lot in secret. You can't make sense of what you do. You long to eat normally like everybody else, just take food or leave it. But it's never enough.
Bulimia
You have tried to lose weight earlier in your life but you started overeating and you thought that getting rid of it would be a good idea to stop you from gaining weight. But it has gone out of control and now these secret rituals of bingeing and purging rule your life.
You can eat just one bite too many and that can set things off. You eat large amounts of food, forbidden food: sometimes you don't even taste it, then you get rid of it. It makes you feel very bad, ashamed and ill but you simply cannot stop.
You long to be able to eat normally, or at least stop doing these terrible things to yourself, but you are terrified of gaining weight. And so it goes on and on and, although you long for help, you don't dare let anyone find out.
Show me the way...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ht2JnIikfM0
Listen to it. I bet alot of girls my age feel the same. So many girls have eating disorders, but not alot of them have figured out they suffer from them. And as i've been through before in my blog: In the end it's all psycological.
These lyrics express my feelings for the nearest future. I need guidance.
Turning the key unlocking the door
Embracing the roller coaster world
Stepping outside with body and soul
Taking whatever future holds
Turning the key unlocking the door
Embracing the roller coaster world
You're taking the stride you're just twenty-five
And you know we've all been hurt before
Listen to it. I bet alot of girls my age feel the same. So many girls have eating disorders, but not alot of them have figured out they suffer from them. And as i've been through before in my blog: In the end it's all psycological.
These lyrics express my feelings for the nearest future. I need guidance.
Turning the key unlocking the door
Embracing the roller coaster world
Stepping outside with body and soul
Taking whatever future holds
Turning the key unlocking the door
Embracing the roller coaster world
You're taking the stride you're just twenty-five
And you know we've all been hurt before
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Keeping it real?
I've done this before too, but i don't know if it's good or bad. Or maybe just better... I haven't porged since wednesday, and that's because instead of swollowing i chew and spit it out. And i can actually do it! I don't feel the need to swollow, i just spit the cookies and chocolate out instead of swollowing. I don't know, im sure the therapist would say it's still as bad, but it kept me from porging...
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Drunken mistakes
Just purged. I haven't eaten barely anything today. Not on purpose, i've been running around like crazy all day trying to make deadlines. And I have! Only that when i did eat, round supper since we i was having a barbecue with my friends, i had alot of the good stuff. Started out slowly and ok, two saucages was enough to start with. And two glasses of wine. But then i had some more wine. Josephine asked me to go and get the cup cakes she made me for my birthday, which i happily did. Then i had some more wine, until it started spinning in my head, and then i had a total of 6 cupcakes! Realized my mistake when i started comparing my horrible body with my beautiful friends' bodies. They are stunning. And look at me! Whatever happened to my belly!! I've always had a flat belly, even if my arms and legs' been under all critique. But now i can barely see my feet, i look pregnant! My sister says it may be because of my eating disorder, but that's bull shit. Why wouldn't i have gotten that belly before then? I've been eating the same things and acted the same way for a long time. Why hasn't the belly come before?? Nevermind, im gonna get to the gym first thing in the morning. Have fun everyone!
Zoey
Zoey
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Slut..
I logged on to facebook and saw a comment from Trent. Then he had some comments on that from 3 different people, i know them all. And that's funny, I've slept with that guy with the comment. And one of the other guys that left the comments is my ex (who left me for being hard to live with when i was a teen) and obviously i've slept with him too. Another comment came from Oliver, whom I've also slept with. And not just once, but twice... and both times were a three-way... and what's funny is that Trent was involved in one of them!! And then the third and last comment came from Daniel- a guy that's been trying to ask me out I've actually avoided him because im not interested.
PROBLEM: I feel like a slut. My ex, who i don't talk to, knows about the first threeway that Oliver, one of my ex's best friends was involved in. He just High Fived him after he learnt about it. Oliver says he didn't like it, and i actually believe him! Oliver is a nice guy. I don't know if my ex knows about the three-way where Trent was involved. It's hard to tell, my ex doesn't give a damn about me, and honestly i don't care about him either. But what bothers me is that they go around and high five each other because they've slept with the same girl. I can't believe it. But im to blame for this, kindof! Because i'm the one that put myself out there for everyone to sleep with, because i'm so desperate to be liked. But all i get is "at first i thought it was your face that made me so into you, but now it's just the way you fuck" and guys high fiving eachother because they all slept with me. I'm a slut, and they are pimps.
Aight so lets have a look at the big picture here. My mom told me that sleeping with someone is the last thing you should do, not the first. Good point. Me, I'm so desperate to find someone I sleep with a guy that i want to sleep with if he wants to sleep with me immediately thinking i'll get him. But as it turns out he's always unhappy about my heavy body (that i conceal pretty well with my clothes apparently, since nobody seems to have anything against it before they see me naked), but he "likes the way i fuck" as i get from alot of boys, so they'll keep sleeping with me until it all gets too complicated, i want something more and they don't so it always turns out bad.
PROBLEM: I feel like a slut. My ex, who i don't talk to, knows about the first threeway that Oliver, one of my ex's best friends was involved in. He just High Fived him after he learnt about it. Oliver says he didn't like it, and i actually believe him! Oliver is a nice guy. I don't know if my ex knows about the three-way where Trent was involved. It's hard to tell, my ex doesn't give a damn about me, and honestly i don't care about him either. But what bothers me is that they go around and high five each other because they've slept with the same girl. I can't believe it. But im to blame for this, kindof! Because i'm the one that put myself out there for everyone to sleep with, because i'm so desperate to be liked. But all i get is "at first i thought it was your face that made me so into you, but now it's just the way you fuck" and guys high fiving eachother because they all slept with me. I'm a slut, and they are pimps. Wednesday, July 14, 2010
New personal record
I ran half a marathon yesterday !!! That should feel great, shouldn't it? I mean, it's a good achievement and it's a new personal record.But when it's about me i can't be 100% happy about it, because i can't tell alot of people. I can't tell my family because they would think I overdid it again and that i'm far away from being cured from Bulimia. I can't tell alot of my friends either because they'd think the same as my parents. I can tell Sarah, and im gonna have to tell Sarah because i tell her everything about my eating and exercising so that we can analyze and see how far i've gotten and what we gotta change in order for me to handle my habits.
But it's just so sad, because sure when i first started running, i was running for compensation. But then it all just felt so smooth so i kept running and ran twice the distance i was gonna run. And then i ran some more and then some more and then i ended up wanting to break my record !! Which i did :) And then it wasn't about burning calories anymore, then it was to boost my self-confidence by breaking my PT !!
So maybe it's all good, because now i ran for a different reason.. and to be honest it felt awesome !! I'm left indifferent after a run because i do it so often and it's a part of my routine to lose weight. So when i finish a run i just go whatever, now i compensated. But now it was such a great achievement, it's been a long time since the last time i felt good over something i did !!
Monday, July 12, 2010
My dad's the greatest
I love my dad, and i love him alot for trying so hard to understand why im bulimic. He's been noticing since i was 14 that i had eating disorders and he just told me he was in contact with the school nurse about it. I don't remember that and i don't remember any procedures were made about it. That's weird, isn't it? When a 14 year old is suspected to be bulimic, why don't they do something about it, atleast talk with me about it? I donno, maybe i forgot they did.
My dad says he understands it's all about control. I think he read that somewhere or heard it from others that bulimics like to have control, but i don't recognize myself in that description. Ok, sure.. it's about controlling the over-eating, but i'd rather say that's compensation. And the roots to my disorders is my self-esteem. I estimate myself poorly, i'm aware of that. But i don't see how thats gonna change. I still claim im just being honest. I see 130 on the scales. The thin girls my height are slimmer. And it's no wonder guys see me as "heavy", because they compare me with other girls. I'm a type 2A muscle fiber person, i.e. i find it easier to build muscles than being pertinacious. However, i've gotten to be pertinacious, cause i only do cardio and i do it alot.. But my natural body shape is: strong and heavy and it seems as if i can't do anything about it. Sadly, it made me self-concious, sad and bulimic. That's why i think surgery is actually gonna help me !! I cant wait til i've earned my salary so i can schedule in an appointment with the plastic surgeon.
My rehab is going up and down. It's hard when i don't have Sarah.. and now im gonna lose her, as im moving away. So I'm gonna try to get help there instead of here.. i hate getting new help. I like Sarah and now im gonna have to change. But that's ok, it was my choice to leave in the first place anyway.
My dad says he understands it's all about control. I think he read that somewhere or heard it from others that bulimics like to have control, but i don't recognize myself in that description. Ok, sure.. it's about controlling the over-eating, but i'd rather say that's compensation. And the roots to my disorders is my self-esteem. I estimate myself poorly, i'm aware of that. But i don't see how thats gonna change. I still claim im just being honest. I see 130 on the scales. The thin girls my height are slimmer. And it's no wonder guys see me as "heavy", because they compare me with other girls. I'm a type 2A muscle fiber person, i.e. i find it easier to build muscles than being pertinacious. However, i've gotten to be pertinacious, cause i only do cardio and i do it alot.. But my natural body shape is: strong and heavy and it seems as if i can't do anything about it. Sadly, it made me self-concious, sad and bulimic. That's why i think surgery is actually gonna help me !! I cant wait til i've earned my salary so i can schedule in an appointment with the plastic surgeon.
My rehab is going up and down. It's hard when i don't have Sarah.. and now im gonna lose her, as im moving away. So I'm gonna try to get help there instead of here.. i hate getting new help. I like Sarah and now im gonna have to change. But that's ok, it was my choice to leave in the first place anyway.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
worse and worse self-esteem
I met my uncle today at work. I was at the fruit department when he came up just to talk a bit with me. Before he left he said
- And Zoey love, don't look so sad.
I have never had my uncle say that to me. And besides I always hear how happy I look and how nice it is to meet me at the supermarket, and my mom keeps getting compliments for her daughters. My God, it's getting worse and worse !! I've been bulimic for many years but i've never looked sad in public, and noone has ever been able to tell i suffer from eating disorders, not since i stopped sharing dressing rooms with the other girls back in school.
I'm now planning on getting more surgery. I know this sounds sick, but it's something i really wanna do. I wanna do my cheeks. My hamster cheeks and my jaw line. Just get some fat away, i hate that my face and my jaw-line looks so "strong", that's what spoils my face and i hate being on pictures because of it. 1000 dollars it's gonna cost me, and 1200 dollars the upper arm surgery.. i hope ill be able to do it within a year.
- And Zoey love, don't look so sad.
I have never had my uncle say that to me. And besides I always hear how happy I look and how nice it is to meet me at the supermarket, and my mom keeps getting compliments for her daughters. My God, it's getting worse and worse !! I've been bulimic for many years but i've never looked sad in public, and noone has ever been able to tell i suffer from eating disorders, not since i stopped sharing dressing rooms with the other girls back in school.
I'm now planning on getting more surgery. I know this sounds sick, but it's something i really wanna do. I wanna do my cheeks. My hamster cheeks and my jaw line. Just get some fat away, i hate that my face and my jaw-line looks so "strong", that's what spoils my face and i hate being on pictures because of it. 1000 dollars it's gonna cost me, and 1200 dollars the upper arm surgery.. i hope ill be able to do it within a year.
Friday, July 9, 2010
My mom's words
I'm amazed i went all the way to friday before i hurled. It all happened this morning at work when my mom looked at me and asked me if i had been crying. "No.. why?" "Your face is swollen".
My god... the night before i had been eating birthday cake and had two glasses of wine, because it was my dad's 46:th birthday. I came back from work at 6.15 pm and then we had our barbecue dinner together with some friends and family. I had my stake, then i had pineapple pie that my sister had made and after that i had cake and then the two glasses of wine. Normally i work out on thursdays but this time of course i couldn't because i had to celebrate my dad. I had felt good throughout the week so i thought i was fine.. until friday morning when i woke up and felt like a helium balloon. And then my mom confirmed it when she said i was (not to be mean, she thought i had been crying). So i excused myself, went to the bathroom, grabbed my pen and tucked it into my throat. Normally when i put the water on i can be pretty quiet, but this time i caughed like crazy, probably because the pen was too thick. Suzanne heard me and she asked my mom if i was ok because i was puking. Then i heard my mom..
Mom - Zoey!
Damn...
Me - What?!
Mom -What are you doing in there ??
Me - Nothing, i just had to go.
So i flushed the toilet, washed my hands to make it appear like i had gone to pee and walked out. My mom stood there and looked at me
Mom- Why are you throwing up?
Me - I didn't throw up
And just walked passed her.
She ran up to me and said i was so puking, and i totally denied i was. But i couldn't fool her. As i said in a previous entry i told my mom i was bulimic, so she knows i am. She made me go with her to her office and had a talk with me.
That talk was the best talk i have ever had with my mom. She listened to me, she said i was thin and she asked me to see how valuable i was, and for as long as i would be looking for myself i couldn't possibly find somebody else, cause im freaked out about the fact that i'll be 25 in two weeks and that i haven't found anyone that i can settle down and start a family with yet. I attract people at the very beginning, but then once we've slept together, which i do pretty immediately, they loose interest and confirm that they think im too heavy. I'm 128 now, and the last time i slept with someone i was over 130, so maybe i wouldn't be so dumped for my weight now ... but then again, it's my arms.. guys really like to comment them and i hate it.. i can't wait to have surgery !!
My mom said i shouldn't put myself out there too easily because that's why guys loose interest in me so quickly. "Sleeping with them is not the first thing you do, it's the last thing you do". She's right. The longer you wait the more intense it's gonna get. I've never lived after the expression "I don't sleep with anyone on the first date", because i normally do !! That's gotta stop. Maybe then i can get them to see other things in me and get them to like "Zoey" instead of focusing on my body. I don't know, i don't know anything. I'm a mess, i've always been. But my mom's words were wise... i think im gonna listen to her for once.
But i still hate my arms and im still having surgery. I know, that's crazy and a bit over the top, but if you saw them you would understand.
My god... the night before i had been eating birthday cake and had two glasses of wine, because it was my dad's 46:th birthday. I came back from work at 6.15 pm and then we had our barbecue dinner together with some friends and family. I had my stake, then i had pineapple pie that my sister had made and after that i had cake and then the two glasses of wine. Normally i work out on thursdays but this time of course i couldn't because i had to celebrate my dad. I had felt good throughout the week so i thought i was fine.. until friday morning when i woke up and felt like a helium balloon. And then my mom confirmed it when she said i was (not to be mean, she thought i had been crying). So i excused myself, went to the bathroom, grabbed my pen and tucked it into my throat. Normally when i put the water on i can be pretty quiet, but this time i caughed like crazy, probably because the pen was too thick. Suzanne heard me and she asked my mom if i was ok because i was puking. Then i heard my mom..
Mom - Zoey!
Damn...
Me - What?!
Mom -What are you doing in there ??
Me - Nothing, i just had to go.
So i flushed the toilet, washed my hands to make it appear like i had gone to pee and walked out. My mom stood there and looked at me
Mom- Why are you throwing up?
Me - I didn't throw up
And just walked passed her.
She ran up to me and said i was so puking, and i totally denied i was. But i couldn't fool her. As i said in a previous entry i told my mom i was bulimic, so she knows i am. She made me go with her to her office and had a talk with me.
That talk was the best talk i have ever had with my mom. She listened to me, she said i was thin and she asked me to see how valuable i was, and for as long as i would be looking for myself i couldn't possibly find somebody else, cause im freaked out about the fact that i'll be 25 in two weeks and that i haven't found anyone that i can settle down and start a family with yet. I attract people at the very beginning, but then once we've slept together, which i do pretty immediately, they loose interest and confirm that they think im too heavy. I'm 128 now, and the last time i slept with someone i was over 130, so maybe i wouldn't be so dumped for my weight now ... but then again, it's my arms.. guys really like to comment them and i hate it.. i can't wait to have surgery !!
My mom said i shouldn't put myself out there too easily because that's why guys loose interest in me so quickly. "Sleeping with them is not the first thing you do, it's the last thing you do". She's right. The longer you wait the more intense it's gonna get. I've never lived after the expression "I don't sleep with anyone on the first date", because i normally do !! That's gotta stop. Maybe then i can get them to see other things in me and get them to like "Zoey" instead of focusing on my body. I don't know, i don't know anything. I'm a mess, i've always been. But my mom's words were wise... i think im gonna listen to her for once.
But i still hate my arms and im still having surgery. I know, that's crazy and a bit over the top, but if you saw them you would understand.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Still feel good !!
I'm gonna be quick: I just wanted to say that this week is going so smoothly !! I feel balanced, i kindof found a calmness in my inner self, maybe because i've got alot of things going on.. like i got a new job, im moving, im taking a sport's med summer course at the university, im summer working, im planning for future classes, i need to organize my move to my new home town..... also i need to have time to exercise.. and since im on that subject, i've checked out some activities in my new town, like tennis, rock climbing, horse back riding, athletics, salsa course, pilates.. it seems as if imma be pretty busy doing other things besides working and studying what i need to study to get my degree !! All that takes my mind off my issues and it makes life bareable .. even more than bareable, more like..nice !!
I notice my dad is paying alot of attention to me. He's listening to everything i say, whenas he hasn't before.. my dad is a nice person, he always has been. But he usually don't listen to me, but when i start talking he just goes "yea..yea" and then he leaves. But now he's being audiotive and responsive !! I kindof see through it, it's because he knows my status and that i need to be taken care of, so he's being gentle.. but i don't mind, it's nice when he listens.
I notice my dad is paying alot of attention to me. He's listening to everything i say, whenas he hasn't before.. my dad is a nice person, he always has been. But he usually don't listen to me, but when i start talking he just goes "yea..yea" and then he leaves. But now he's being audiotive and responsive !! I kindof see through it, it's because he knows my status and that i need to be taken care of, so he's being gentle.. but i don't mind, it's nice when he listens.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Aiming for a successful week !!
I emailed Sarah and explained my week to her, about my success and failure. I haven't had such a good week for a very long time, so looking back on it i actually feel kindof proud !! Had a tough one with my mom, but we're doing better now. I think that she's trying to be more considerate now, even if she doesn't want to admit it, because she looks like she's trying to be sensitive and responsive when we're talking to her, more than she has before. But i don't trust her not to go back to her old ways and accusing me for being this and that without really knowing what's going on.
So this is what i told Sarah, and this is what last week looked like.
I did good when my schedule was good. When I started work at 7 am and finished at 5 pm. Then i had my breakfast at 6 am, had a cup of coffee before opening time at 7.45. Lunch at 1 pm, then another cup of coffee at 3 pm and dinner at 5.30 pm. I also drank about 2 liters of water and i exercised after playing with my little sisters and they had gone to bed after 8 pm. I was happy with that, i felt balanced and no need to hurl.
But then i do hours like 11 am to 21 pm with lunch at 3 pm, right in between my supposed meals and then i wont feel hungry until 8 pm, but then there's two problems. 1. I'm still at work and i cant eat and 2. it's too late for me to eat. So im not very balanced those days.
In conclusion, last week i threw up 2 times, took x-lax once and exercised every day in some form- either to compensate the over-eating or to keep my burn high- depending of if i felt balanced or not (balanced= training for burning and unbalanced= training to compensate).
Sarah said she thought i was doing good and that it's normal that it's not gonna work out right at the very start of the rehab. But she also said that i can't use the "im just starting out, im allowed to fail" as an excuse to fail. But i told her my goal was to have one successful week, and she said that sounded good.
Then she worried about my exercising and said it was excessive. I don't think it is, i've cut down alot. Before i did 4 hours hard work out 5 days a week and one day of just walking. Now i do a little bit every day, but different things (always cardio though, as it's more effective to a high calorie burn). But she doesn't see that exercising for compensation and exercising for burning are two different things, but still thinks i excerisise for the wrong reasons. She thinks i should cut down even more and replace those days that i don't exercise with reading or doing arts and crafts. She also thinks i should replace one or two cardio sessions with pilates (or yoga or something else that's relaxing). So she thinks i should cut down to only exercising three times a week (+one walking day if i want to) and not doing all cardio. That would be weird. I don't know what it's like not to do cardio atleast 4 times a week and then do 1 or 2 extra days of light cardio. If i then would like to do something else, like afro dancing or body pump i just add that to my work out. It's gonna be weeeeiiiird to cut down.. but i trust Sarah so Im gonna listen to her.
My new work out schedule is therefor gonna be like this:
Monday:
Cardio workout, long distance running
Tuesday:
Pilates and walking
Wednesday
3k warm-up by slow jogging, middle distance speed work out (exercising of the 2A muscle fibers) and 2k chill-down in a slow pace
Thursday
Power walking Up-Hill and running Down-Hill
Friday
Resting
Saturday
Resting/walking
Sunday
Walking + Yoga
Looks quite boring doesn't it. As I said, im home for the summer, and the town i grew up in doesn't have a gym, so I'm on my own. And i wanna do cardio so this is what i have.
Today, monday, i did good. So i feel like i had a good start of the week !! Will this be my first successful week in a long time?? Who knows...
So this is what i told Sarah, and this is what last week looked like.
I did good when my schedule was good. When I started work at 7 am and finished at 5 pm. Then i had my breakfast at 6 am, had a cup of coffee before opening time at 7.45. Lunch at 1 pm, then another cup of coffee at 3 pm and dinner at 5.30 pm. I also drank about 2 liters of water and i exercised after playing with my little sisters and they had gone to bed after 8 pm. I was happy with that, i felt balanced and no need to hurl.
But then i do hours like 11 am to 21 pm with lunch at 3 pm, right in between my supposed meals and then i wont feel hungry until 8 pm, but then there's two problems. 1. I'm still at work and i cant eat and 2. it's too late for me to eat. So im not very balanced those days.
In conclusion, last week i threw up 2 times, took x-lax once and exercised every day in some form- either to compensate the over-eating or to keep my burn high- depending of if i felt balanced or not (balanced= training for burning and unbalanced= training to compensate).
Sarah said she thought i was doing good and that it's normal that it's not gonna work out right at the very start of the rehab. But she also said that i can't use the "im just starting out, im allowed to fail" as an excuse to fail. But i told her my goal was to have one successful week, and she said that sounded good.
Then she worried about my exercising and said it was excessive. I don't think it is, i've cut down alot. Before i did 4 hours hard work out 5 days a week and one day of just walking. Now i do a little bit every day, but different things (always cardio though, as it's more effective to a high calorie burn). But she doesn't see that exercising for compensation and exercising for burning are two different things, but still thinks i excerisise for the wrong reasons. She thinks i should cut down even more and replace those days that i don't exercise with reading or doing arts and crafts. She also thinks i should replace one or two cardio sessions with pilates (or yoga or something else that's relaxing). So she thinks i should cut down to only exercising three times a week (+one walking day if i want to) and not doing all cardio. That would be weird. I don't know what it's like not to do cardio atleast 4 times a week and then do 1 or 2 extra days of light cardio. If i then would like to do something else, like afro dancing or body pump i just add that to my work out. It's gonna be weeeeiiiird to cut down.. but i trust Sarah so Im gonna listen to her.
My new work out schedule is therefor gonna be like this:
Monday:
Cardio workout, long distance running
Tuesday:
Pilates and walking
Wednesday
3k warm-up by slow jogging, middle distance speed work out (exercising of the 2A muscle fibers) and 2k chill-down in a slow pace
Thursday
Power walking Up-Hill and running Down-Hill
Friday
Resting
Saturday
Resting/walking
Sunday
Walking + Yoga
Looks quite boring doesn't it. As I said, im home for the summer, and the town i grew up in doesn't have a gym, so I'm on my own. And i wanna do cardio so this is what i have.
Today, monday, i did good. So i feel like i had a good start of the week !! Will this be my first successful week in a long time?? Who knows...
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Thank God for Aldo !!
I just found out a guy i kindof started to like has a girlfriend. It sucks, i liked this guy alot, but im glad i found out now before i got too emotionally involved.
What's more joyful is that i met Aldo today !! He's this 45-50 year old italian guy that spends every summer here with his family and runs a sport fishing travelling company. Now it turns out he sold his company back in Italy and invested whole-heartily in this new company here !! That's nice, I like Aldo and his family !! I asked him today if he associated with this other sport fishing guy i know he knows from my town and he said he didnt. "Mejor solo que mal acompañado" he said (which is spanish for being better off alone that in bad company). So true. I kindof look up to him. He's italian and he persued his dream and made it all the way here- all by himself more or less. But with his family, consisting of beautiful wife and down-to-earth Miki whom he shares is passion for fishing with and his two sons Gabriel and Moreno (round 18-20 years). I wouldn't leave italy for this, that's for sure, but the thing is: he wanted to do that, he had his family behind him, he speaks fluent italian, spanish, french and english and even a bit swedish (!!) probably german aswell... im so glad i found out about that guy i liked having a girlfriend today, because meeting Aldo made my day.
Had a baaad day, foodwise today. Puked 2-3 times again... i really need to get back into that great flow i was in at the beginning of the week. I'll get back on my feet tomorrow
What's more joyful is that i met Aldo today !! He's this 45-50 year old italian guy that spends every summer here with his family and runs a sport fishing travelling company. Now it turns out he sold his company back in Italy and invested whole-heartily in this new company here !! That's nice, I like Aldo and his family !! I asked him today if he associated with this other sport fishing guy i know he knows from my town and he said he didnt. "Mejor solo que mal acompañado" he said (which is spanish for being better off alone that in bad company). So true. I kindof look up to him. He's italian and he persued his dream and made it all the way here- all by himself more or less. But with his family, consisting of beautiful wife and down-to-earth Miki whom he shares is passion for fishing with and his two sons Gabriel and Moreno (round 18-20 years). I wouldn't leave italy for this, that's for sure, but the thing is: he wanted to do that, he had his family behind him, he speaks fluent italian, spanish, french and english and even a bit swedish (!!) probably german aswell... im so glad i found out about that guy i liked having a girlfriend today, because meeting Aldo made my day.
Had a baaad day, foodwise today. Puked 2-3 times again... i really need to get back into that great flow i was in at the beginning of the week. I'll get back on my feet tomorrow
Friday, July 2, 2010
Smoothly-er
Ok, so I'm back home to work for the summer. I told you i don't get along well with my mother, but she's actually behaving well now. But i can't get over that she looks down on her own children that much, and she denies us our adulthood, our knowledge and she steps on us to make us feel inferior to her. For that I've lost a bit of respect for her. It's been 2 days now and we're ok, we don't talk about it and we speak as adults, but i just can't get over it, because everytime i tell her something and even if it seems as if she's listening i keep thinking she's probably not taking me seriously.
Enough of that now, luckliy i don't live with her for most of the year and we've told her what we think about her treatment of the 5-year-old. I know my mom can sometimes appear as if she doesn't wanna listen but i think she actually might sometimes. So hopefully that's gonna be ok.
About my recovery. I'm so not recovered, i still need to work on myself and on my eating disorder. But im doing way better now, because i have a strict schedule and i can't eat other then when im off during breakfast, lunch and dinner, and after i quit work i go outside to practice sports. So I actually eat more regularly, i mind what i eat and i make sure i exercise in the evening even if i run around a whole lot at work. So my kcal burn is prolly pretty high, because i've noticed i've lost 4 pounds in only one week doing what i do now !! I've only binged eated twice (first time i ate ex-lax afterwards and second time- this morning, i threw up) and i know that i exercise a little too hard, and mainly because i wanna burn what i eat, so i know im not recovered yet, not by far !! But i think i've come a long way, im concious about what i do and what i eat, what i eat and when. I make sure i keep myself busy doing something so that i don't have to think about food: wether it's doing sports or reading a book. There are so many things you can do to change your ways, I thank Sarah because she's the one that makes me realize all these things !! I love having here by my side, she's so experienced, she knows what i'm going through, she likes working with what she does and it really shows :)
Still not happy about my arms though... im so having surgery !!
Im off to bed. I'm soooo tired !! Worked 13.5 hours today, went out, brought the dog, climbed the hill through the forest (the dog loved it), ran down and ran a bit more, and now i've studied my sport's med course that im taking for the summer and that i wanna make. So i see you later !!
Enough of that now, luckliy i don't live with her for most of the year and we've told her what we think about her treatment of the 5-year-old. I know my mom can sometimes appear as if she doesn't wanna listen but i think she actually might sometimes. So hopefully that's gonna be ok.
About my recovery. I'm so not recovered, i still need to work on myself and on my eating disorder. But im doing way better now, because i have a strict schedule and i can't eat other then when im off during breakfast, lunch and dinner, and after i quit work i go outside to practice sports. So I actually eat more regularly, i mind what i eat and i make sure i exercise in the evening even if i run around a whole lot at work. So my kcal burn is prolly pretty high, because i've noticed i've lost 4 pounds in only one week doing what i do now !! I've only binged eated twice (first time i ate ex-lax afterwards and second time- this morning, i threw up) and i know that i exercise a little too hard, and mainly because i wanna burn what i eat, so i know im not recovered yet, not by far !! But i think i've come a long way, im concious about what i do and what i eat, what i eat and when. I make sure i keep myself busy doing something so that i don't have to think about food: wether it's doing sports or reading a book. There are so many things you can do to change your ways, I thank Sarah because she's the one that makes me realize all these things !! I love having here by my side, she's so experienced, she knows what i'm going through, she likes working with what she does and it really shows :)
Still not happy about my arms though... im so having surgery !!
Im off to bed. I'm soooo tired !! Worked 13.5 hours today, went out, brought the dog, climbed the hill through the forest (the dog loved it), ran down and ran a bit more, and now i've studied my sport's med course that im taking for the summer and that i wanna make. So i see you later !!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
20 years of fights
I keep thinking that my mom and I have sorted our issues out. But I keep being proven wrong. You wouldn't believe my mom, it's not an ordinary "mother-daughter-fighting" thing, but she is so extremely inconsiderate and she doesn't respect her children. I'm 25 years old and she keeps saying that I will never grow up. But that's not surprising because she has always imposed guilt on me, and both me and my sisters can see that she's doing the same with our 5 year old sister.
This time it started when I told my family (mom, her husband, my sister Ellie that's 18 and my little sisters Izzie, 5 and Hannah, 2) how I met my ex-boyfriend Nathan the other day. We haven't spoken since we broke up 8 years ago and we have a lot of unsettled things that according to what I've heard from common friends he feels just as bad as I do because we havent sorted them out. Anyway, so it's kindof a sensitive subject. Then my mom, being the clumpsy person she is, had to exclaim: "Oh my god you were NOT nice to him!" I just looked at her and said "Mom, just don't... please stop talking about it I don't want you to talk to me that way, I can't believe that you still do that !!"
Mom- What?
Zoey- You never take my side but always defend the one im in a row with. Please just zip it.
Mom- (and she's already snapping) why can't you be an adult, you weren't nice to him and you know it !!
Zoey- Yes I do, but he wasn't nice to me either !! I don't want to talk to you about this
Mom- You were so mean to him, you called him repeatidly and i told you not to and you wouldn't listen !!
Zoey- Ok, so the fact that he cheated on me doesn't count. Great. Just be quiet mom, I don't want to talk to you about this
It's one thing that my mom brought it up, but when i tell her that i don't want to talk about it she won't respect that. This argument just started, she told me that i was such a baby, that this was several years ago, that i wasn't humble, that i would never grow up, that i had no distance to myself, that i had huge issues and that i needed to wake up and see that ME !!! I !!! was the problem !! I know I've got issues !! My god, im in therapy for eating disorders !! When my mom started accusing me for being this and that i just turned away and got tears in my eyes. My sister Ellie saw that, because when my mom wouldnt shut up and i walked away Ellie told my mom to be quiet and respect my wish to not talk about it.
Ellie- Mom, that's enough...
Mom - (Now snapping and screaming) Oh my god you shut your mouth you always snap at me (and she kept screaming even more things just to not let my sister speak)
Ellie- (also upset) She's sad !! Can't you see that !! You're so inconciderate !!
Mom - Shut your mouth !! You always do that i can't believe you !!
Ellie - Mom, behave !!
Mom - You behave !!
Ellie - Be-Have !!
Mom - Shut up, you behave !!
Ellie - Be-Have
And so they kept screaming, my mom to Ellie about how mean she was and Ellie to my mom about how inconsiderate she was. Once I had dried my tears I was extremely upset with my mom, so i walked back upstairs and said that thing about respecting us, which she doesn't. And she said that she was so much more adult and knew alot more than we did
Me and Ellie- About what ??
Mom- Everything !!
She is extremely ignorant and kindof a red neck. My mom is a good boss. She's good at her job and she's good with her employees. I told her though that she lacks of social competence
Mom (still screaming)- I've got way more social competence than you do !!
She was furious and out of it !! She kept screaming "You be quiet! And you be quiet !! I'm leaving now !! Yes I am !! I'm leaving" (walked 2-3 steps, looked at us) "Be quiet !! Never open your mouth again !!"
You get the point, don't you. I bet some of you are thinking that I'm exaggerating. I really wish i was. My mom has always made me feel ashamed. When I was 14-15 (I had eating disorders back then too) I remember this one time that I got up at 4 to have my breakfast so that i could get rid of it by running 5k before school. My mom heard me, and i heard how she got out of bed and i was terrified when i heard my mom's agressive steps towards the floor as she was approaching the kitchen, i knew she was gonna be cruel, she always was and she still is. "YOU STUPID KID, YOU'VE GOT EATING DISORDERS !!!!" I don't know if it's good or bad to say that to your kid but i remember how ashamed i felt when she said that. Also she informed me that "My problems with you started when you were 6". I've always thought that her problems with me DID start when I was 6, but only last year i realized that you can't put the blame on a 6 year old. Surely it's not all entirely my mom's fault but it's so mean to blame a kid for a messed up relation.
None of my sisters (Alyssa that's 23 and my sister Ellie that I told you about) want to tell my mom anything, because she will not be of any help- only the other way around. She's gonna make it worse because she is so clumpsy, so inconsiderate, no sense of what's right and wrong to accuse her children of, no sense of respecting her children. When I was in London I got myself into a lot of trouble and I had to call my dad to sort it out. He was disapointend in me, but he told my sister not to tell my mom because "it will only make things worse". So it's not only us adult kids (if we may call ourselves that, my mom says we're so immature, atleast I am), but also her ex-husband sees how she treats us.
We kept discussing with my mom, or atleast we tried to, she wouldn't let us get the chance to speak, but just kept screaming to us (especially me) about how we always judged her, how she has to be able to tell us that we were not nice, and i don't know what else crap she said. My sister then said something that's so true: She's treating Izzie the same way she treated me, and that my 5 year old sister was developing a real poor self-esteem. My mom then changed tactics (as she does with Ellie, because my sister is really persuasive and good at finding valid arguments). She shut up, looked at my sister and went (calmly)
Mom- Well, I know you're a doctor. You know everything.
Ellie- You're doing it again mom... you don't respect me, I received an A in high school psycology, and i know that's pretty basic psycology, but that's what I've read, when you raise your children it's better if you...
Mom- (smirging) I know you know, and You know you know. You're the greatest.
So now she's not only disrespecting us, but she also denies my sister her knowledge. I know I'm having a hard time with handling conflicts, but my mom cannot stand critisism. That's why she never develops. She's not stupid, the other way around, she's intelligent, but it seems as if she's not intelligent when it comes to understanding other people. The 5 year old has now started to see that mom isn't nice and she doesn't go to her as much anymore, because mom will probably yell at her to stay away or to be quiet.
And what also gets to me is that my mom tells me that im this and that. My mom doesn't know a shit about me. I moved away from home when i was 17 and since then my mom stopped walking along my side. She has been visiting me two times since then, she never calls, she's just not interested to know what's going on with me. So when she says i don't have any self-distance and that i'll never grow up she doesn't have a clue what she's saying. I'm my own toughest critisizer and i've worked sooooo hard on myself. She doesn't know I'm seeing Sarah (my volunteer therapist for bulimia) She doesn't know i got pregnant and lost my baby to a miscarriage, she doesn't know a shit about anything because i don't want to talk to her, because she'll blame me and say it's all my fault. Oh !! I almost forgot. My mom's the one that invented the expression "Don't feel sorry for yourself". That makes sense, you shouldn't. But my mom is such a special case, she denies you EVERY right to grief. I don't want to get into it, because i wouldn't know where to start !! Don't feel sorry for yourself, get up on your feet: sure. But there has got to be a balance, you need to have the right to your feelings and she denies us all that right. But that's basically why none of us talk to her about anything. Either she's the last one to find out something that concerns her daughters or she never finds out whenas the rest of us do. It's been 20 years of damage, how do you repair that ??
This time it started when I told my family (mom, her husband, my sister Ellie that's 18 and my little sisters Izzie, 5 and Hannah, 2) how I met my ex-boyfriend Nathan the other day. We haven't spoken since we broke up 8 years ago and we have a lot of unsettled things that according to what I've heard from common friends he feels just as bad as I do because we havent sorted them out. Anyway, so it's kindof a sensitive subject. Then my mom, being the clumpsy person she is, had to exclaim: "Oh my god you were NOT nice to him!" I just looked at her and said "Mom, just don't... please stop talking about it I don't want you to talk to me that way, I can't believe that you still do that !!"
Mom- What?
Zoey- You never take my side but always defend the one im in a row with. Please just zip it.
Mom- (and she's already snapping) why can't you be an adult, you weren't nice to him and you know it !!
Zoey- Yes I do, but he wasn't nice to me either !! I don't want to talk to you about this
Mom- You were so mean to him, you called him repeatidly and i told you not to and you wouldn't listen !!
Zoey- Ok, so the fact that he cheated on me doesn't count. Great. Just be quiet mom, I don't want to talk to you about this
It's one thing that my mom brought it up, but when i tell her that i don't want to talk about it she won't respect that. This argument just started, she told me that i was such a baby, that this was several years ago, that i wasn't humble, that i would never grow up, that i had no distance to myself, that i had huge issues and that i needed to wake up and see that ME !!! I !!! was the problem !! I know I've got issues !! My god, im in therapy for eating disorders !! When my mom started accusing me for being this and that i just turned away and got tears in my eyes. My sister Ellie saw that, because when my mom wouldnt shut up and i walked away Ellie told my mom to be quiet and respect my wish to not talk about it.
Ellie- Mom, that's enough...
Mom - (Now snapping and screaming) Oh my god you shut your mouth you always snap at me (and she kept screaming even more things just to not let my sister speak)
Ellie- (also upset) She's sad !! Can't you see that !! You're so inconciderate !!
Mom - Shut your mouth !! You always do that i can't believe you !!
Ellie - Mom, behave !!
Mom - You behave !!
Ellie - Be-Have !!
Mom - Shut up, you behave !!
Ellie - Be-Have
And so they kept screaming, my mom to Ellie about how mean she was and Ellie to my mom about how inconsiderate she was. Once I had dried my tears I was extremely upset with my mom, so i walked back upstairs and said that thing about respecting us, which she doesn't. And she said that she was so much more adult and knew alot more than we did
Me and Ellie- About what ??
Mom- Everything !!
She is extremely ignorant and kindof a red neck. My mom is a good boss. She's good at her job and she's good with her employees. I told her though that she lacks of social competence
Mom (still screaming)- I've got way more social competence than you do !!
She was furious and out of it !! She kept screaming "You be quiet! And you be quiet !! I'm leaving now !! Yes I am !! I'm leaving" (walked 2-3 steps, looked at us) "Be quiet !! Never open your mouth again !!"
You get the point, don't you. I bet some of you are thinking that I'm exaggerating. I really wish i was. My mom has always made me feel ashamed. When I was 14-15 (I had eating disorders back then too) I remember this one time that I got up at 4 to have my breakfast so that i could get rid of it by running 5k before school. My mom heard me, and i heard how she got out of bed and i was terrified when i heard my mom's agressive steps towards the floor as she was approaching the kitchen, i knew she was gonna be cruel, she always was and she still is. "YOU STUPID KID, YOU'VE GOT EATING DISORDERS !!!!" I don't know if it's good or bad to say that to your kid but i remember how ashamed i felt when she said that. Also she informed me that "My problems with you started when you were 6". I've always thought that her problems with me DID start when I was 6, but only last year i realized that you can't put the blame on a 6 year old. Surely it's not all entirely my mom's fault but it's so mean to blame a kid for a messed up relation.
None of my sisters (Alyssa that's 23 and my sister Ellie that I told you about) want to tell my mom anything, because she will not be of any help- only the other way around. She's gonna make it worse because she is so clumpsy, so inconsiderate, no sense of what's right and wrong to accuse her children of, no sense of respecting her children. When I was in London I got myself into a lot of trouble and I had to call my dad to sort it out. He was disapointend in me, but he told my sister not to tell my mom because "it will only make things worse". So it's not only us adult kids (if we may call ourselves that, my mom says we're so immature, atleast I am), but also her ex-husband sees how she treats us.
We kept discussing with my mom, or atleast we tried to, she wouldn't let us get the chance to speak, but just kept screaming to us (especially me) about how we always judged her, how she has to be able to tell us that we were not nice, and i don't know what else crap she said. My sister then said something that's so true: She's treating Izzie the same way she treated me, and that my 5 year old sister was developing a real poor self-esteem. My mom then changed tactics (as she does with Ellie, because my sister is really persuasive and good at finding valid arguments). She shut up, looked at my sister and went (calmly)
Mom- Well, I know you're a doctor. You know everything.
Ellie- You're doing it again mom... you don't respect me, I received an A in high school psycology, and i know that's pretty basic psycology, but that's what I've read, when you raise your children it's better if you...
Mom- (smirging) I know you know, and You know you know. You're the greatest.
So now she's not only disrespecting us, but she also denies my sister her knowledge. I know I'm having a hard time with handling conflicts, but my mom cannot stand critisism. That's why she never develops. She's not stupid, the other way around, she's intelligent, but it seems as if she's not intelligent when it comes to understanding other people. The 5 year old has now started to see that mom isn't nice and she doesn't go to her as much anymore, because mom will probably yell at her to stay away or to be quiet.
And what also gets to me is that my mom tells me that im this and that. My mom doesn't know a shit about me. I moved away from home when i was 17 and since then my mom stopped walking along my side. She has been visiting me two times since then, she never calls, she's just not interested to know what's going on with me. So when she says i don't have any self-distance and that i'll never grow up she doesn't have a clue what she's saying. I'm my own toughest critisizer and i've worked sooooo hard on myself. She doesn't know I'm seeing Sarah (my volunteer therapist for bulimia) She doesn't know i got pregnant and lost my baby to a miscarriage, she doesn't know a shit about anything because i don't want to talk to her, because she'll blame me and say it's all my fault. Oh !! I almost forgot. My mom's the one that invented the expression "Don't feel sorry for yourself". That makes sense, you shouldn't. But my mom is such a special case, she denies you EVERY right to grief. I don't want to get into it, because i wouldn't know where to start !! Don't feel sorry for yourself, get up on your feet: sure. But there has got to be a balance, you need to have the right to your feelings and she denies us all that right. But that's basically why none of us talk to her about anything. Either she's the last one to find out something that concerns her daughters or she never finds out whenas the rest of us do. It's been 20 years of damage, how do you repair that ??
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Why do I let the minor negative take over the major positive?
Wonderful beautiful summer with barbecues, friends and laughter. This weekend should have been a blast for me, and it was! Until John commented on my "large muscles". I thought i had a nice back, so it feels even more degrading now, i feel so rediculed. I turned around and asked my friends if i had gotten any tan. I took a chance today and wore my pink tube top, and brought a cardigan just in case i'd feel uncomfortable. But things went smoothly, i did feel a little self concious about my arms, but my friends know about my issues and my eating disorders, but as it turns out Jenna's boyfriend John didn't so he had to say "you'r latissimus dorsi is quite big!" Well he didn't say "Latissimus Dorsi", i don't think he even knows its name, but the back muscles, or "wing muscles" as i call them that boys like to have big. Im sure he didn't mean to be cruel, but I could see on Jenna's face how she immediately reacted and went "he just says that because he's so happy about his own muscles, don't mind him". She's so sweet, i could tell she did it to protect me. But that brought back some terrible memories from the past and I remember how one guy i used to date one day when we went climbing got appaled by my back, said "Wooooow, dont ever start any serious rock climbing, your back will get huge! That's ugly. After that he started avoiding me, and when i finally confronted him about it he confessed that he wasn't attracted by me, because i was too heavy. So even if i had a great time at the party I cried myself to sleep this weekend. I can't wait to have surgery on my arms. That won't take my back muscles away, but atleast it's a start.
About the bulimia, I keep seeing Sarah. I haven't stopped puking, but there are moments of glory when I've went one or even two days without binge eating. So i see a positive change, even if it's only a minor change and even if i still need to know how i can be comfortable with myself.
About the bulimia, I keep seeing Sarah. I haven't stopped puking, but there are moments of glory when I've went one or even two days without binge eating. So i see a positive change, even if it's only a minor change and even if i still need to know how i can be comfortable with myself.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Failing
This is going baaad. I'm supposed to write down everything i eat and what i do and show it to Sarah on thursday. I did so good tuesday-friday, but then on the friday i lost it again. And I've lost it ever since. I felt ok on the saturday, like i knew rehab wouldn't be easy, so i didn't feel like a failiure just because i failed. I didn't feel i failed i just felt like well, that willl happen, now i gotta get a grip of myself and get going again. But i just fell down into the same drain again, and started feeling swollen and fat and ugly in the face because it swoll up...
It did work from tuesday-friday. I think that's because i had a fixed schedule then. I attend class, i eat breakfast, the lunch box that i bring... nothing more and nothing less and i feel fine. I little bit more challanging when i get back home in the afternoon, but since i made my way so well during the day i just wanna be able to pass the whole day with this good rythm without failing.
But this weeks record doesn't look good to me and i don't want to show it to Sarah. I wonder what she's gonna say. Im gonna be good now. From tomorrow and on til tuesday. That'll make it less of a failiure
It did work from tuesday-friday. I think that's because i had a fixed schedule then. I attend class, i eat breakfast, the lunch box that i bring... nothing more and nothing less and i feel fine. I little bit more challanging when i get back home in the afternoon, but since i made my way so well during the day i just wanna be able to pass the whole day with this good rythm without failing.
But this weeks record doesn't look good to me and i don't want to show it to Sarah. I wonder what she's gonna say. Im gonna be good now. From tomorrow and on til tuesday. That'll make it less of a failiure
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Another day. Then another. Then another...
I met Sarah for the first time two days ago. Sarah's my contact person for bulimia. We talked alot about my experience and her experience, she made me see things from a different angle, although i already know I'm sick and i really wanna recover. She says it's not gonna happen over a night, which i already knew, but it's nice she shows me she knows it too. And she made me do two things: 1. keep a food diary where i write down everything i eat. That's good, cause i had only one day before meeting up with her started "the G.I project" (GI Diet...) and now it can't fail, as every effort i've made before to keep a balanced diet has, because now i gotta show somebody else what i eat. And the second thing was that i was gonna create a monster. She told me to be creative when i do this, that i should look in magazines, that i should cut out images from ugly creatures, the head of someone or something i loath etc. and make my own monster. This monster im gonna attatch to my wall or fridge or wherever i pass by alot to constantly remind me that that creature is the monster i have in myself that tells me to binge eat, that forces me to throw up afterwards and that orders me not to have any breakfast or lunch so that i can over-eat in the afternoon. I think I'm gonna try to find a picture of a soldier in Afgahnistan as i hate how they murder innocent people. I used to work with an afgahn refugee boy that managed to escape his country as a little boy and then was lucky enough to be sent here, but on his own, as his family didn't make it. He had constant head aches, got sick alot, panic attacks.. you name it. He told me the most terrible stories and since then i really hate soldiers. So the head of my monster is gonna be a soldier, definitely.
But im much better at keeping it balanced now, GI really works !! it tells me exactly what to eat, the amounts, what time of the day and how much i should exercise a day, and by keeping it im able to feel balanced enough to keep myself from hurling !! I thought i could keep myself from throwing up today, but i had 50 grams of chocolate, which i thought i could have without being struck by panic... but lets just say im not there yet.. Actually, right now i can feel the smell of vomit on my dress as i had toilet water splashed up on my clothes. I know, "euuuughhh !!" But when you're used to it and you're sick it doesn't really matter. I'm just gonna change clothes and off i go.
But im much better at keeping it balanced now, GI really works !! it tells me exactly what to eat, the amounts, what time of the day and how much i should exercise a day, and by keeping it im able to feel balanced enough to keep myself from hurling !! I thought i could keep myself from throwing up today, but i had 50 grams of chocolate, which i thought i could have without being struck by panic... but lets just say im not there yet.. Actually, right now i can feel the smell of vomit on my dress as i had toilet water splashed up on my clothes. I know, "euuuughhh !!" But when you're used to it and you're sick it doesn't really matter. I'm just gonna change clothes and off i go.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I now believe in myself. Wanna know how?? It does happen...
I just noticed how pesimistic i am. I've always considered myself to be over-optimistic- and i am to a certain extend. I am actually so optimistic i never knew i could be pesimistic. I'm a pesimist when it comes to my self-esteem. Like yesterday i skipped class because i had a dentist appointment. I thought noone would notice i was missing, because i've only been in this course for 1 week, so i bet they wont notice if im there or not. But as it turns out, they did!! The first thing the people in my group said this morning (we did muscle lab this morning and got divided into random groups) was "you weren't here yesterday, were you?" Ok, so they did notice. And the professor is someone i used to know when i was little, but i haven't seen him for 13 years. He's the national hockey team's physiotherapist and he's been giving treatment to some real important ice hockey stars since the 90's. I knew him because i used to alpine ski when i was little, competing. His daughter did too, we're the same age. So i saw them every weekend during the season and i knew them back then. But i thought no way should he be able to recognize me now, it's been too long and i quit too early for him to even recognize my face now. But as it turns out he approached our group during the muscle lab and went "you used to alpine ski, didn't you?" He freakin recognized me !!!!!
So the bottom line is: Why the hell do i waste negative energy on myself by thinking i don't show, that people don't like me and that nobody recognizes me, when clearly they do. It's all in your mind and you create your own destiny by thinking. Because what you think about yourself will affect the way you speak. Your speech will become your actions and your actions might ultimately turn into your fate. That's how i got bulimic. By the help of society as well, with its high standard ideal, that sometimes has nothing to do with what you achieve and who you are, but what you look like. It's never your choice to become bulimic, you didn't go "ok, let's get bulimic". It's psycological, and it develops into eating disorders, after a long process. But BELIEVE IN YOURSELF !! That's not the first step to recovery, the first step is to realize youre sick. Next step is to get help and the step after that is to take action, which im doing right now, and i've gotten that far now that im starting to actually believe in myself and that im valuable. Especially after the great confirmation i've got from others by just recognizing me when i thought they wouldn't. Sometimes society can be the reason to your illness, but it can also become a support for your recovery: which it has for me today.
So the bottom line is: Why the hell do i waste negative energy on myself by thinking i don't show, that people don't like me and that nobody recognizes me, when clearly they do. It's all in your mind and you create your own destiny by thinking. Because what you think about yourself will affect the way you speak. Your speech will become your actions and your actions might ultimately turn into your fate. That's how i got bulimic. By the help of society as well, with its high standard ideal, that sometimes has nothing to do with what you achieve and who you are, but what you look like. It's never your choice to become bulimic, you didn't go "ok, let's get bulimic". It's psycological, and it develops into eating disorders, after a long process. But BELIEVE IN YOURSELF !! That's not the first step to recovery, the first step is to realize youre sick. Next step is to get help and the step after that is to take action, which im doing right now, and i've gotten that far now that im starting to actually believe in myself and that im valuable. Especially after the great confirmation i've got from others by just recognizing me when i thought they wouldn't. Sometimes society can be the reason to your illness, but it can also become a support for your recovery: which it has for me today.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Hope
First day of GI method and i feel great !! I haven't puked today, not once !! It's been hard to keep myself from binging but so far ive made it. The food i had today, that egg mash with avocado was totally different from what i ever had before but i feel excited im eating something that's supposed to make me thinner. I can feel it's gonna work, with a little help from myself and my will-power. Hope it works.
The GI method
Today I'm gonna start the GI diet !! I found something in a magazine about the method and with some recepies that's easy to follow, it tells you exactly what to eat, when to eat and how much to eat, and also exercise 1 hour a day. That I can do, Before I did 4 hours intense cardio 5 days a week, so that's achievable. Hope it's gonna make me feel good and not wanna throw up... i hope i finally find a balance between eating, exercising and myself.
This is what I'll eat today:
Egg and tuna with avocado
2 eggs
1 can of tuna
2 spoons of light mayonaise
1 avocado
Boil the eggs so that they get a loose consistency
Stir the eggs with the tuna and mayo, salt and pepper
Split the avocado and place the hash on top
Ready to enjoy !!
Tomorrow I'm having this:
200 g of minced beef
1/2 union
1 garlic clove
5 olives
50 g of feta cheese
1 tea spoon of french mustard
2 dried tomatoes (but as I don't like dried tomatoes I'm gonna have regular tomatoes)
olive oil
1 egg
Keso and sallad
Chop the union and the garlic and fry it in a sauce pan quickly
Mix the union in the minced beef and add the feta cheese, chopped olives, tomatoes and the egg and stir it into a paste
Fry it in olive oil or butter on both sides
Add salt and pepper
Serve with veggies and Keso
This is what I'll eat today:
Egg and tuna with avocado
2 eggs
1 can of tuna
2 spoons of light mayonaise
1 avocado
Boil the eggs so that they get a loose consistency
Stir the eggs with the tuna and mayo, salt and pepper
Split the avocado and place the hash on top
Ready to enjoy !!
Tomorrow I'm having this:
200 g of minced beef
1/2 union
1 garlic clove
5 olives
50 g of feta cheese
1 tea spoon of french mustard
2 dried tomatoes (but as I don't like dried tomatoes I'm gonna have regular tomatoes)
olive oil
1 egg
Keso and sallad
Chop the union and the garlic and fry it in a sauce pan quickly
Mix the union in the minced beef and add the feta cheese, chopped olives, tomatoes and the egg and stir it into a paste
Fry it in olive oil or butter on both sides
Add salt and pepper
Serve with veggies and Keso
Sunday, June 13, 2010
I just don't seem to be able to make it !!
I thought I was doing so well today. It's sunday and sundays are my absolute worse day when it comes to keeping myself from binging and barfing. But now that I'm aware of it i tried today to be good and have a light breakfast. I had a small lunch basically containing sallad and I felt fine. Then I kept going to the fridge snacking fruit. Had a large slice of water melon, 2 pears, an orange and 2 kiwis. You'd think it wouldn't be bad, cause it's containing vitamins, water, fructose and glucose... but, as we all know fruit has that effect on you when you start blowing up like a helium balloon because of all the water and glucose. Had a look at my belly and it was terribly inflated. And this is not all i'm gonna have today, I'm going over to my friend Edward's place to have dinner. I freaked. Not the way I usually freak after over eating, but I thought I had my nutrition intake under control and it turns out i didn't. So off we go, to the bathroom and throw up. And the thing that makes me feel worse is that i feel good !! I mean, it makes me feel bad because i was supposed to keep it under control, and i didn't, so i went, i threw up and now i feel good again. I'm being a hypocrate, to myself, to Sarah and to my family. Nice work Zoey...
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Mad destructive circle
I can't believe the clinics close for summer. Ive got news for you: My bulimia isn't going on a vacation!! I just figured out I'm suffering from an eating disorder and now's when I figured out i'm in need of help. I mean come on!!
Have I blogged about how i figured out after all this time that my compensating for over eating wasn't just compensating but actually an eating disorder?? That happened recently when i wasn't getting my period. It's amazing it hasn't happened before, but now it did and now i haven't gotten my period for little over 50 days. And also, i was watching a movie about leukemia, death and family relations (My sister's keeper, you gotta watch it... i strongly recommend it) and it made me realize that i was sick and that as opposed to the little girl with cancer, im chosing to be sick whenas she didn't. And I had to get help for my family's sake.
Anyway, I'm pretty worried now, but not for me but for my sister. Here's the deal, she's seeing her ex eventhough he got married, and he spends a rediculous amount of time over at her house, like 10 hours a day and he sleeps over, sleeps with her, kisses her etc etc !! So he's cheating on his wife with my sister and my sister has been struggling alot with her feelings for him, because when they separated it was because it didn't work because of his religion. Now he married someone, because he has to go to heaven when he dies.. i wonder what his religion says about cheating.. anyway, my concern is for my sister, because she's held back by him !! I understand that she's happy at the moment, when she's with him, but seriously she's not gonna be able to go on and persue the happiness she deserves, because as she says herself: they separated for a reason and they don't work as a couple.. so she has to move on, but as long as he's selfish and stays married with his wife and still lives with my sister she won't be able to move on! It's so frustrating and i get furious everytime i think about it !! Point is, it's my duty to react and do something, like tell her i don't accept this niether from her, but especially not from him. I can't believe he's that selfish. I told her once what I thought, being a little scared she'd kick me out of her house, but she understood where i was coming from. Now i just can't stand to see him here, he's here all the time, and she knows what i think. So last night they left when i came home and showed my disapproval. Now she won't pick up the phone, call me back or answer the sms and she hasn't come home since yesterday. So I think she's pissed off at me. It's ok, she has the right to her emotions, but she has to realize how worried I am about her and I can't just stand by watching as she's getting more and more involved in this destructive circle.
You may think this has nothing to do with my desease, but actually it has !! It's called destructivism and it's a mad circle that if it gets you into its claws you're powerlessly facing madness
Have I blogged about how i figured out after all this time that my compensating for over eating wasn't just compensating but actually an eating disorder?? That happened recently when i wasn't getting my period. It's amazing it hasn't happened before, but now it did and now i haven't gotten my period for little over 50 days. And also, i was watching a movie about leukemia, death and family relations (My sister's keeper, you gotta watch it... i strongly recommend it) and it made me realize that i was sick and that as opposed to the little girl with cancer, im chosing to be sick whenas she didn't. And I had to get help for my family's sake.
Anyway, I'm pretty worried now, but not for me but for my sister. Here's the deal, she's seeing her ex eventhough he got married, and he spends a rediculous amount of time over at her house, like 10 hours a day and he sleeps over, sleeps with her, kisses her etc etc !! So he's cheating on his wife with my sister and my sister has been struggling alot with her feelings for him, because when they separated it was because it didn't work because of his religion. Now he married someone, because he has to go to heaven when he dies.. i wonder what his religion says about cheating.. anyway, my concern is for my sister, because she's held back by him !! I understand that she's happy at the moment, when she's with him, but seriously she's not gonna be able to go on and persue the happiness she deserves, because as she says herself: they separated for a reason and they don't work as a couple.. so she has to move on, but as long as he's selfish and stays married with his wife and still lives with my sister she won't be able to move on! It's so frustrating and i get furious everytime i think about it !! Point is, it's my duty to react and do something, like tell her i don't accept this niether from her, but especially not from him. I can't believe he's that selfish. I told her once what I thought, being a little scared she'd kick me out of her house, but she understood where i was coming from. Now i just can't stand to see him here, he's here all the time, and she knows what i think. So last night they left when i came home and showed my disapproval. Now she won't pick up the phone, call me back or answer the sms and she hasn't come home since yesterday. So I think she's pissed off at me. It's ok, she has the right to her emotions, but she has to realize how worried I am about her and I can't just stand by watching as she's getting more and more involved in this destructive circle.
You may think this has nothing to do with my desease, but actually it has !! It's called destructivism and it's a mad circle that if it gets you into its claws you're powerlessly facing madness
Friday, June 11, 2010
I just wanna be happy
I think the easy answer to the question "why are you bulimic" would be: "I just wanna be happy". At least it is to me. Bulimics believe that a better figure is gonna make them happy, that others gonna like you more (boys, in my case, cause i had some bad experiences with that, and still am actually) and that they're gonna like themselves more if they lose more weight.
That's actually not that far from the truth. That I'm gonna be happier if i get thinner. Because my body wouldn't inhibit me so much if i were thinner. I would wear short sleves and be comfortable with it, I would travel to hot places and constantly smile even if i'm not wearing alot of clothes and I would just be more relaxed and smile more. I would have more positive energy surrounding me if i were thinner so it actually has some truth to it. I'm actually sick of all the people telling me "you just think you're gonna be happy if you get thinner". Yahaa I will !! I realize it's not gonna solve all my problems, i still need to go to therapy and sort my issues out but stop saying it's just a myth that good looking people are happier than over-weight people. Not in every sense, of course but if you look great you're gonna feel great.
That's actually not that far from the truth. That I'm gonna be happier if i get thinner. Because my body wouldn't inhibit me so much if i were thinner. I would wear short sleves and be comfortable with it, I would travel to hot places and constantly smile even if i'm not wearing alot of clothes and I would just be more relaxed and smile more. I would have more positive energy surrounding me if i were thinner so it actually has some truth to it. I'm actually sick of all the people telling me "you just think you're gonna be happy if you get thinner". Yahaa I will !! I realize it's not gonna solve all my problems, i still need to go to therapy and sort my issues out but stop saying it's just a myth that good looking people are happier than over-weight people. Not in every sense, of course but if you look great you're gonna feel great.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Another step towards the right direction, I think.
Today I called this woman that's supposed to be my contact person. Her name is Sarah and she's not an expert on this psycological desease, but she decided to volunteer to help others after her daughter went through therapy for bulimia. I talked to her on the phone and we're meeting up next week to talk. In the mean time she ordered me to do two things. The first thing was to contact the hospital to get group therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy. And the other thing was to write down what I want my life to look like 10 years from now. Then we're gonna analyze it and see how I'm gonna get there.
I'm still hurling though. I just don't know how to quit or change my habits. Cause that's just what it is: It's a habit that I'm comfortable with having, cause then I can allow myself to eat without gaining weight, and when I'm exercising I also burn more calories, i.e. I loose weight.
I don't know how I'm gonna find any alternative way of living and be good with that. This is me. This is how I handle nutrition: I rather not get my vital vitamins than get fat. But I do know that I don't see myself as a bulimic, and i see myself as happy in the future, happily married with a man that respects me, treats me well, don't judge me because of my looks but is still equally as attracted to me as I am to him. We're gonna have beautiful healthy kids, boys or girls it doesn't really matter. If I'm not infertile that is. We're gonna live in a house, own a car, have a cat, we're gonna be active in sports, we're gonna travel to exciting places to experience everything from adventure sports such as rock climbing and paragliding in the Alps to diving in New Zealand. I'm gonna be happy at my working place, which will be as a spanish high school teacher, we're gonna have lots of friends that we're gonna hang out with every now and then, and I'll have lunch with my girl friends once or twice a week... I don't know how I'm gonna get to all this but I know I'm gonna, because that's the way I pictured myself since I was a little girl. I can't see myself in any other picture, that would be weird.
To do this I'm gonna have to get well. I'm gonna have to learn what it's like to have a balanced diet, a healthy relationship to others, when it's ok for others to tell me off and when it's not ok (like, it's not ok to tell me I'm fat, unless I'm obese and need help from a dietician or something), I'm gonna have to learn a lot about myself and process things I forgot and rather never ever speak about them again. It seems like mission impossible right now, but i gotta try. For me, and for the ones that worry about me.
I'm still hurling though. I just don't know how to quit or change my habits. Cause that's just what it is: It's a habit that I'm comfortable with having, cause then I can allow myself to eat without gaining weight, and when I'm exercising I also burn more calories, i.e. I loose weight.
I don't know how I'm gonna find any alternative way of living and be good with that. This is me. This is how I handle nutrition: I rather not get my vital vitamins than get fat. But I do know that I don't see myself as a bulimic, and i see myself as happy in the future, happily married with a man that respects me, treats me well, don't judge me because of my looks but is still equally as attracted to me as I am to him. We're gonna have beautiful healthy kids, boys or girls it doesn't really matter. If I'm not infertile that is. We're gonna live in a house, own a car, have a cat, we're gonna be active in sports, we're gonna travel to exciting places to experience everything from adventure sports such as rock climbing and paragliding in the Alps to diving in New Zealand. I'm gonna be happy at my working place, which will be as a spanish high school teacher, we're gonna have lots of friends that we're gonna hang out with every now and then, and I'll have lunch with my girl friends once or twice a week... I don't know how I'm gonna get to all this but I know I'm gonna, because that's the way I pictured myself since I was a little girl. I can't see myself in any other picture, that would be weird.
To do this I'm gonna have to get well. I'm gonna have to learn what it's like to have a balanced diet, a healthy relationship to others, when it's ok for others to tell me off and when it's not ok (like, it's not ok to tell me I'm fat, unless I'm obese and need help from a dietician or something), I'm gonna have to learn a lot about myself and process things I forgot and rather never ever speak about them again. It seems like mission impossible right now, but i gotta try. For me, and for the ones that worry about me.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
How I got bulimic
Hi, my name is Zoey, or atleast I wish it was. Point is, I wanna be anonymous so I'm not revealing my real name. Not because I'm afraid of what others might think of me, but to protect my sisters and my dad from society's gossip.
I'm 24 years old. And that's actually true. Last week I admitted to myself and to my sisters that I'm bulimic and now I'm starting the journey towards getting healthy. I am still under the impression that it takes a bulimic to understand a bulimic, or anyone with eating disorders to understand what another person with an unhealthy relationship to food is dealing with, but I wanna believe that there are nice and healthy people out there that wanna help out, and with this belief in other's will to understand and to help I'm going to get help.
Everybody's stories are different, but somehow it always comes down to the same root to identify the problem: Your negative self-image. My story is long...
I'm a 5'3 ft 132 lbs person that's been athletic all my life and I basically carry muscles and saturated fat. I see myself as a girl with a pretty face, dimples, light brown shoulder long hair, big dark green eyes and skin that tans easily, but trapped in a masculine body. I wanna be feminine so that the guys I'm attracted to will be attracted to me too, so that I can build the bright future I see myself in, with a husband, beautiful healthy happy kids, a house, a car, a cat, a job that I like going to and dedicating to something we're all passionate about, like sports. And going on summer vacation with common friends!
I was liked in high school. I hung out with the cool crowd, nobody could ever find it in their hearts to hate me. I was good friends with everybody; the girls never saw me as any threat and I was just one of the guys. But I wanted to be feminine. I wanted to be the hot chick my guy friends would drool over just by confidantly walking by moving her hips sensually in her tight jeans. I started sleeping around with any guy that wanted to sleep with me, as if i was a slut. But in reality I just wanted to be loved. It often happened when we were all hammered and as fun as it was at the time, the day after you just felt like it wasn't worth it. Even if I didn't really like the guy I just wanted to be confirmed as a woman. But I never was, cause they would all feel bad the day after because they slept with me. ME! I was one of them...
When I was 20 I went to London. Stayed at a youth hostel and met alot of cool people from all over the world. I met this really cool dude from CA. His name was Jonathan and he was a 19 year old surfer. He was totally hot, real fit, about 6'2, 180 punds, nicely tanned laid back kindof dude, although constantly wasted. Anyway, to make a long story short, I slept with him, and he said he thought I was so sexy as we were doing it. He made me feel feminine, someone that wasn't just "one of the guys" and "everybody's friend but nobody's girlfriend". I was so happy and I know now I fell for him, eventhough I never wanted to admit it after we woke up the day after, cause then he just bailed on me.
I talked to him on MSN after I got back home, and this is when he tells me what I knew about myself but never had anybody say it to me straight out: I'm not attracted to you, you're too heavy. The shame that I felt as I read those words is not comparable with any type of shame I've ever felt in my whole life. I didn't know what to type, so eventhough I wanted to speak with him and make him like me, I just logged off. I couldn't bare myself to say anything to him because I felt so powerless and so ashamed. I had failed. As a woman, as a person, as being attractive... I had failed. I locked myself into the bathroom and weighed myself, which I hadn't done for a long time. 140 pounds. I was chocked and I understood exactly what he meant. I wasn't angry with him, I was angry with myself, because I had lost all control over myself. Too much keg, too much fast food and eventhough I exercise it doesn't compensate the intake of calories. I wanted to drop 30 pounds. Like RIGHT NOW! I knew I wasn't capable of throwing up, I had tried it before but my fingers were too short. I remember looking down at the wash basin, where i keep my tooth brush... thinking what if... yea.. that might help. So I grabbed my tooth brush quickly, opened the toilet lid, and started tickling the back of my throat with it until i got sick. It worked! And I couldn't believe how easy it came. So I did it again, puked some more and then again and again and again, until I could feel my stomach was empty enough. I weighed myself again: 138 pounds. That's still alot, but I dropped 2 pounds just by doing that! Tomorrow I'll get to the gym, make sure to burn atleast 1000 calories and that way I'll drop another 2 lbs !! Before I know it I'll make it to 110 quickly.
That's how it all started for real. I've always had a disturbed relation to food, one day I starve myself and the next day I over eat. But since I got bulimic I allowed myself to lose control over what I ate, cause I was getting rid of it anyway. Either by puking or by consuming X-lax. I never made it to 110, I've always stopped at 120, and returned to be over 130 again. I never got back to 140 luckily, it's over-weight, but I kindof feel like i should drop another 10 pounds to be happy with myself.
Bulimia is a psycological desease that has its roots in your self-image, how you picture yourself. For some it's about taking control, for some it's about anxiety, for some it's because they "know" they'll be loved if they get skinny, for some it's about turning into something else, and something better, for some it's about punishing themselves... for me it's been about all those things. Now I know that getting skinny is not gonna make me happy unless I sort my issues out. We all just wanna be happy, that's the meaning of life. Why are we here? What are we fighting for? We're all gonna pass away sooner or later (touch wood) so what's the point if we don't make the best out of life, find a balance, be happy with who we are and surround ourself with the people that we love? I'm not there yet, but I'm gonna get help soon. Not only for myself, but for the people that are surrounding me and actually love me.
So let's call this day 1. I got sick today too, but this is the first entry and the first step to getting well. By keeping this diary and sharing my recovery with everybody. I'm totally scared, I don't know how I'm gonna make it, I need to puke, it's a routine I've got! It's my way of keeping my calorie intake under control! It's been my ways for the last 5 years, so how am I gonna stop? I'll let you know as time passes by.
I'm 24 years old. And that's actually true. Last week I admitted to myself and to my sisters that I'm bulimic and now I'm starting the journey towards getting healthy. I am still under the impression that it takes a bulimic to understand a bulimic, or anyone with eating disorders to understand what another person with an unhealthy relationship to food is dealing with, but I wanna believe that there are nice and healthy people out there that wanna help out, and with this belief in other's will to understand and to help I'm going to get help.
Everybody's stories are different, but somehow it always comes down to the same root to identify the problem: Your negative self-image. My story is long...
I'm a 5'3 ft 132 lbs person that's been athletic all my life and I basically carry muscles and saturated fat. I see myself as a girl with a pretty face, dimples, light brown shoulder long hair, big dark green eyes and skin that tans easily, but trapped in a masculine body. I wanna be feminine so that the guys I'm attracted to will be attracted to me too, so that I can build the bright future I see myself in, with a husband, beautiful healthy happy kids, a house, a car, a cat, a job that I like going to and dedicating to something we're all passionate about, like sports. And going on summer vacation with common friends!
I was liked in high school. I hung out with the cool crowd, nobody could ever find it in their hearts to hate me. I was good friends with everybody; the girls never saw me as any threat and I was just one of the guys. But I wanted to be feminine. I wanted to be the hot chick my guy friends would drool over just by confidantly walking by moving her hips sensually in her tight jeans. I started sleeping around with any guy that wanted to sleep with me, as if i was a slut. But in reality I just wanted to be loved. It often happened when we were all hammered and as fun as it was at the time, the day after you just felt like it wasn't worth it. Even if I didn't really like the guy I just wanted to be confirmed as a woman. But I never was, cause they would all feel bad the day after because they slept with me. ME! I was one of them...
When I was 20 I went to London. Stayed at a youth hostel and met alot of cool people from all over the world. I met this really cool dude from CA. His name was Jonathan and he was a 19 year old surfer. He was totally hot, real fit, about 6'2, 180 punds, nicely tanned laid back kindof dude, although constantly wasted. Anyway, to make a long story short, I slept with him, and he said he thought I was so sexy as we were doing it. He made me feel feminine, someone that wasn't just "one of the guys" and "everybody's friend but nobody's girlfriend". I was so happy and I know now I fell for him, eventhough I never wanted to admit it after we woke up the day after, cause then he just bailed on me.
I talked to him on MSN after I got back home, and this is when he tells me what I knew about myself but never had anybody say it to me straight out: I'm not attracted to you, you're too heavy. The shame that I felt as I read those words is not comparable with any type of shame I've ever felt in my whole life. I didn't know what to type, so eventhough I wanted to speak with him and make him like me, I just logged off. I couldn't bare myself to say anything to him because I felt so powerless and so ashamed. I had failed. As a woman, as a person, as being attractive... I had failed. I locked myself into the bathroom and weighed myself, which I hadn't done for a long time. 140 pounds. I was chocked and I understood exactly what he meant. I wasn't angry with him, I was angry with myself, because I had lost all control over myself. Too much keg, too much fast food and eventhough I exercise it doesn't compensate the intake of calories. I wanted to drop 30 pounds. Like RIGHT NOW! I knew I wasn't capable of throwing up, I had tried it before but my fingers were too short. I remember looking down at the wash basin, where i keep my tooth brush... thinking what if... yea.. that might help. So I grabbed my tooth brush quickly, opened the toilet lid, and started tickling the back of my throat with it until i got sick. It worked! And I couldn't believe how easy it came. So I did it again, puked some more and then again and again and again, until I could feel my stomach was empty enough. I weighed myself again: 138 pounds. That's still alot, but I dropped 2 pounds just by doing that! Tomorrow I'll get to the gym, make sure to burn atleast 1000 calories and that way I'll drop another 2 lbs !! Before I know it I'll make it to 110 quickly.
That's how it all started for real. I've always had a disturbed relation to food, one day I starve myself and the next day I over eat. But since I got bulimic I allowed myself to lose control over what I ate, cause I was getting rid of it anyway. Either by puking or by consuming X-lax. I never made it to 110, I've always stopped at 120, and returned to be over 130 again. I never got back to 140 luckily, it's over-weight, but I kindof feel like i should drop another 10 pounds to be happy with myself.
Bulimia is a psycological desease that has its roots in your self-image, how you picture yourself. For some it's about taking control, for some it's about anxiety, for some it's because they "know" they'll be loved if they get skinny, for some it's about turning into something else, and something better, for some it's about punishing themselves... for me it's been about all those things. Now I know that getting skinny is not gonna make me happy unless I sort my issues out. We all just wanna be happy, that's the meaning of life. Why are we here? What are we fighting for? We're all gonna pass away sooner or later (touch wood) so what's the point if we don't make the best out of life, find a balance, be happy with who we are and surround ourself with the people that we love? I'm not there yet, but I'm gonna get help soon. Not only for myself, but for the people that are surrounding me and actually love me.
So let's call this day 1. I got sick today too, but this is the first entry and the first step to getting well. By keeping this diary and sharing my recovery with everybody. I'm totally scared, I don't know how I'm gonna make it, I need to puke, it's a routine I've got! It's my way of keeping my calorie intake under control! It's been my ways for the last 5 years, so how am I gonna stop? I'll let you know as time passes by.
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